Litany of Ailments

So... historically, when I am stricken with melancholy, my body responds with a rainbow array of twinges, distresses, and pain. This, of course, adds to my anxiety, since I am a hypochondriac to a certain extent. But I have always been either scared of doctors (not so much at present) or uninsured (at present), and so I am forced to worry in private since I cannot prove that all the ailments are false. Over the years, when a physical distress fails to add to my anxiety, it is replaced by a new one. Intestinal distress switches to lower back pain (kidney cancer!), twinges in my right side (appendicitis! ovarian cancer!) now manifest as a lump in my throat. Tennis elbow, tendonitis in my left shoulder with odd pain radiating down into my chest, and a "how'd that get there?" pain in the ball of my right foot - all suggest suitably disastrous and terrifying ailments or conditions.

None of them are legitimate - they disappear when I am happy or relaxed. I take a weekly dance class, galloping around for over an hour, and although winded due to my exceedingly poor physical fitness, nothing hurts the entire time. But they appear like clockwork each morning to give me something to mentally chew on, spit up, examine, and then chew again, like some cow who want to know what their cud looks like.

I wish I had a friend who was a doctor, who could give me a quick once-over when these physical anxieties crop up; someone who could say with all authority "nope, that's nothing, it'll go away on its own." Maybe if these pains were denounced early on, I might be able to crawl back out of melancholy sooner.

On the other hand, the most profound growth in my life usually happens around this time. These thorns in my flesh usually scare me into self-examination (Where am I with God? Where am I going with my life? Do I need to work on something?) and I am always better for it in the long run. Over 20 years of an assortment of ailments that never lead to anything... but personal growth.