OK, this is fortuitous... not one week after creating this blog, I am introduced to the fun that is NationStates.net. You can create your own country, pick political systems, a flag, a motto, a currency... So, The Grand Duchy of Susania lives there too, although I was forced to call it the Grand Duchy of New Susania cause someone had already taken Susania. very upsetting.

My niece Emma

I KNOW as an aunt that I'm not supposed to play favorites, but it is impossible not to at times. I do love all of my nieces and nephews (as has been well documented in a half-dozen adoring Christmas letters) but ever since Emma Jane, the youngest was born almost 3 years ago, she has fascinated me. She looks amazingly like her mother as a little girl, and has the same fearlessness and stubbornness. Granted, she hasn't managed to pull a chest of drawers on top of herself & break her collarbone yet as did Mommy, but she's fallen off of a variety of furniture and I am sure will manage to break something in the next year or so.

She reminds me of Sally Brown, Charlie Brown's little sister. Same big round head (a family trait), and blond hair that is swirly in the front and swoops up on the sides. Uncanny.

She is simultaneously the girliest girl I've ever seen, and the most rambunctous tomboy. I bought her a little plastic tiara as a consolation gift when taking her and Henry to buy his birthday present, and she could. not. get. over. it. Just loved it. She has a variety of princess dresses for playing dress-up, a couple of pairs of net wings, and has recently discovered the Disney canon of princess movies; Cinderella is her obsession. Plus her Disney princesses nightgown.

She is NEVER indifferent. She is so completely committed to the task at hand, that if my mom or I come in and she's occupied, we get no more than a blank glance. On the other hand, if she is at leisure, she will fling herself at you for hugs, and then show you every single one of her pastel stuffed animals, purses, or movies.

We went sledding on Saturday with the 2-inch snow we were begrudgingly granted, and I was amazed at how she would so willingly be placed in a saucer and shoved down a hill, usually backwards. If she spilled, she could have cared less, and often hopped up with a "yahoo!" which she learned from her brothers. Then she would haul her tiny self back up the hill to go down again, over and over. I really could see her as a snowboarder or an X-Games enthusiast 15 years down the road... I find her so simultaneously cuddly and fierce.

The other night I was babysitting for her, and after what was a perfectly peaceful evening, she was infuriated to find that she would have to go to bed (unusual for her, as she has always been the easiest to put to bed). I picked her up, kicking and screaming and carried her forcibly upstairs, where she proceeded to carry out a 15+ minute temper tantrum. When offered pacifying objects, she would shriek with fury and throw them from her. I sat in the rocker and played a little computerized Yahtzee game until she subsided enough to be offered a "way out" of her tantrum without wounding her pride. But there was no way I was going to give in to such behavior - as I have often said, I will NOT have my babies turn into brats.

Sure, temper tantrums are common enough in children, but what amazed me was the sheer longevity of it. Her will to perservere is phenomenal in one so small; and if denied something, she will not easily be distracted from her purpose, if at all. She's quite prepared to scream as long as it takes, and the fact that tantrums have not ever actually worked hasn't sunk in yet, so we just sit back and marvel at her strength.

I invented a song for her a few years back to a melody that I can't place; I think it's a little Mozart snippet. She really loves it, and so I have started making up lyrics to any bedtime instrumental music on the CD player in her room; usually with recurring themes of Emma Jane/time to sleep/mommy and daddy/close your eyes.

I am a baby princess
Adored by my family
I am a baby princess
As pretty of a princess as you'll see.

I have a mom and daddy
Of big brothers I have three
I am the baby princess
When I grow up I'm going to be the queen.

Funny AND Handsome!

Just recently remembered how much I loved Gary Gulman on Last Comic Standing last year... I've had the John Heffron cd for a while now, but never got the one for Gary. Well, now you can! Yes, you can buy it on his website, and even cheaper if you do it as an mp3 download.

The man has genius insight on cookies! Plus, I can't recollect any vulgarity...

Jealousy is an ugly thing...

and boy, sometimes I sho do have it. My biotch friend Rachel is a better writer than me (which means, she's a FUNNIER writer than me) and I read her website, and lo, I am jealous.

But my jealousy doesn't override my admiration of the quality therein, and telling other people about it. Go take a look! Enjoy! Just bear in mind that 1) I'm the one who introduced her to Bollywood, and 2) also cuteoverload.com.

...So he says

So Mark says (names changed to protect the indolent) that he has a new chat abbreviation - instead of LOL (laughing out loud), he uses LOTI (laughing on the inside). Please use freely.

My Little Tater

Right now I am chatting on MSN Messenger with my niece Taylor, formerly known as Tater, and it's really cute... she's only 7, and so her typing skills are somewhat labored; it take 2-5 minutes for her to type a sentence and so I have lots of time to do other things (like post to my blog) while she pecks out her responses. She's really liking Science at present, which is excellent. I think she'll make an exceptional zoologist someday, if her current passions persist.

OH, and she was a lobster in the school program last night. I'm getting the details right now...

How true, how true

Went to lunch with my Mom today and ended up crying through most of it, much to my dismay... As we do on occasion, the Weight Issue was brought up by her for discussion, and I kept trying to explain that my decision of the moment NOT to really try very hard to lose weight was one based on an intimate understanding of my personality, and hence the futility of such an effort. I've failed to make any permanent effect on my appearance despite trying since I was 12, and unless I am really inspired by a particular method of diet & exercise, I make no real progress... and if I do, it only lasts a year or so. So why should I kill myself on a constant course of failure?

I'm not saying I won't make ANY effort; but I know how much of a committment it will take to have any real effect and it's JUST. NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. I eat salads, and cut down on sugar and yeast, and exercise occasionally... but that's just bare maintenance, not enough to make any difference in my appearance. Believe me, I have no desire to develop diabetes, which is what has been hung over my head since my early twenties; but it will take a famine and having to walk everywhere to make a sufficient change in my lifestyle, and I don't see that happening, do you?

Elder Sister is on the latest variation of Diet she's been pursuing for the last 5-10 years, and is making amazing progress... and I TRULY am happy for her... but barring a miracle, she'll put it all back on someday. We always do. We are genetically pre-disposed on our father's side to look like German Farmwives from our mid-twenties onward. Younger Sister got more of my mother's genetic code so she looks great; but she's no Skinny Minnie either.

Is accepting a Fact as Reality the equivalent of Hopelessness? My Mom seems to think so. I call it Acceptance, she calls it Hopelessness.

Frosty the Zombie

...stolen from a letter I wrote to friend in NYC:

Yeah, I wondered about how things were going for you "up there" in SnowLand... entirely envious, of course, just because the ONE chance we've had for snow was last weekend and it was a piss-poor experience... instead of a nice big blowout of 2-4 inches as promised, it just flurried off and on for 3 days. Pretty, but unsatisfying. And all of the FORCED snowmen ("Kids! There's a half-inch! We MUST BUILD THE SNOWMAN NOW before it's all gone!") as rotting pillars of gray and muddy snow in the middle of green grass look so sad. You wouldn't think snowmen could rot, but they can.

So I says to her,

I'm going to crochet a hat and scarf for my friend in NYC because she is smart enough to compliment a baby blanket I made, and ask if I could make her stuff in the same yarn. I loves me some flattering, so of COURSE I started last night. This, despite the fact that I have 2 baby blankets to do, a cross-stitch baby announcement, a historic sampler, a embroidered purse, and a half-dozen or so UFOs (un-finished objects) in my cluttered apartment.

But it's COLD, and they're up to their necks in snow, and it will stop being winter soon. So that takes precedence. The purse will be next to get worked on, since I really want to finish it - it's more elaborate and complicated than anything I've made before, and I really don't want to set it aside for fear of not picking it back up.

Then the sampler - I have to get a certain amount done each month, since I am part of a pilot group in Nashville that is working on it. Jennifer Core of the Tennessee Sampler Survey is designing the sampler based on elements taken directly from samplers made in Middle Tennessee over 100+ years ago - she's documented dozens of them, and so stitchers in Nashville & Knoxville are working on personalized versions of it through 2006 - 10 bands, and an average one is a foot wide and over 4 feet long! People are using different types of fibers - silk, cotton, hand-dyed - and different thread-counts of linen... I'm going straight down the middle with cotton DMC thread on 32 count linen.

Which will mean NOTHING to most of you.

But I'm making Renu a hat with earflaps and long strings, although the pompoms have been rejected. Cause it's COLD and the chilled people of New York need our help keeping warm. It makes me so happy to do it, too. So often I make things as a surprise for people, and although they are complimentary, I really don't think they're as appreciative as I selfishly would wish. Cause it's all about what makes ME happy!

Today at a pizza-party lunch here at the AEA (I'll let you figure out what that stands for) one of the ladies confessed that she had, in fact, met her husband at a family reunion. And she's from Pegram. But sorry to disappoint them there Yankees slavering at the old joke made into reality; he was the friend of a relative by marriage and no kin to her. HA!

So ANYWAY...

In typical impulse fashion, I have created a blog. Nothing much else to do today; can't leave work yet, not feeling inspired to write an entire journal entry on my website http://www.shouston.com, so this is an attempt to make myself try the blogging medium.

Wept through the final skating of the Pairs competition as I finally watched it on my tivo this morning... had no idea the Russian pair had dealt with such a debilitating incident as him DROPPING her in competition 2 years back (which gave her a severe concussion; she was unconscious on the ice, in fact) - the guilt and loss of confidence that poor man felt - at the end of their long program, he dropped to his knees and kissed her hands in gratitude for her confidence in him.

THIS is what I watch the Olympics for.

Then the Zhang x 2 pair from China skated last, and she took one of the nastiest spills I've ever seen coming out of a throw to a quad salchow - so bad they had to stop, check her knees, and let her collect herself... your heart just bled for he, and the audience just clapped and cheered so encouragingly. But then they resumed their program and did beautifully, and WON SILVER! Now THAT is what I watch the Olympics for. Just unbelievable.

Festivus

OH I AM SO TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!!!!! Everyone get a grip and MOVE ON! If I weren't a die-hard Christian, I would embrace the faux holiday of Festivus, with the Feats of Strength and the Airing of Grievances, just to turn my back on this ludicrous debate and pretend it wasn't going on.

Everyone just stop the pointless discussion and go read Harrison Bergeron. I read this in 8th grade and didn't get it then, but boy, do I get it now.

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

A friend said this the other day, and as usual, I felt the familiar guilt. I am one of those unwilling to give up sleep for other "more important" things. Ever since I read the passage in Proverbs 6: “How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest -- and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man,” I have had a sense that perhaps I was not holding up my end of things. 
 

I don’t want to be poor, and I don’t want to be a sluggard, but dammit, I NEED MY SLEEP! I’m one of those folks that gets nauseous and sick when I’m sleep-deprived, and yet there are so many people I know: 1) those who survive, reluctantly, on 5-6 hours a night; 2) young parents, never able to get more than a few hours at a time; 3) those who just don’t seem to need more than 4 hours a night and that means YOU, Ken, you damn freak. All of this conspires to add to my sense of guilt for not being one of those folks who get up at the crack o’ dawn and “go for a run” before breakfast and the morning paper. Perhaps, I think, I would actually go to the gym every day… spend time in meditation and prayer… make a lunch for the day and start dinner in the Crock-Pot… if only I could get up at 5!

Instead, on most mornings, I get up at 7… so I can lounge in bed and slowly awake while watching last night’s rerun of The West Wing (how I lurve you Bradley Whitford & Rob Lowe!) until 8. I feel very bad about this, I assure you. But you know, I am usually in a good mood as a result. One should not underestimate the benefits of a Good Mood.

So, back to my friend and her comment. She’s in a tough job, starting at the bottom to work her way up, and the company LOOOOVES to see how much they can push you before rewarding you with a pitiful salary and job insecurity and the dubious cachet of a line on your resume that doesn’t always pay off as it should. If she sticks it out, she will officially be one of those Go-Getters who can be anything she wants to be. But how much fun is she having as a result? Maybe she has a nice low-sleep threshold, but what if she doesn’t, and just gets by on coffee? What is the quality of her life then?

If you go through every day of your life except maybe weekends feeling tired & run down, WHAT IS THE ADVANTAGE of living that kind of life? Sure, it implies you've got a character with moxie, gusto, competetiveness, worthy of joinging The Trump Organization… but is it any fun? Do you like working when you just want to lie down and sleep? Does your brain work well under those conditions? Are you performing at your best? (Now, this diatribe only applies to those who choose to sleep less so they can do more… new parents are exempt, since we all know they’d like more sleep, since that’s what they’re always telling us, sensible and weary people that they are.)

Anyway, I had an epiphany a few days ago, and the guilt lifted when I realized that the QUALITY of my life was (partially) dependent on sufficient sleep. The implied virtue of those who deprive themselves of sleep in order to get ahead no longer hangs over me, Hallelujah! I am now free to sleep my 7-8 hours and know that in it’s own way, Sleep is my Gym, my Healthy Diet, my Positive Attitude.

A Small Chunk of Holiday Bitterness

So I mentally wrote this last night as I drove home, only to walk in the door and promptly forget it. And it was GOOD - really good... THEN. Let us see if it can be re-created, shall we?
 

So, last night, I went to TJ Maxx to buy Christmas presents for my new part-time co-workers over at the AEA. I'm sure it's perfectly clear to everyone that I'm in Straitened Financial Circumstances at present, what with the Unemployment and starting my own business, etc. But on Tuesday I came in to find 2 gift bags on my desk and the realization that in this office, everyone gives little presents to everyone else "but you don't have to if you don't want to," what with the fact that I just started 3-4 weeks ago. Well, of course I don't want to! But I must. 

Why? you may ask. Because it's necessary. Because I'm going to be working with these 9 women for some time to come, hopefully, and you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Because we're not to the place where I would share the information that I'm perpetually broke and borrowing money to pay bills from my family. Because they are all best friends from childhood and later, and although they aren't cutting me out in any way, I don't need to set myself apart from the group any more than I already am, what with the part-time aspect of my job, and the fact that I don't come in til 9:30 and leave at 6 (they're really good to me here!) Because they have asked me to come with them to Boston for the AEA Conference in January, are paying my way and my salary, and I'm going to be working with these women all day, every day for a week. Because they are Nice Women. Because I am a Nice Woman too. 

So I spent $40 on some (really pretty) Christmas ornaments, $5 on giftwrap, and spent my one precious free night at home this week bundling, wrapping, and ribboning a dozen gifts, when I can't even afford presents for my family (who have strictly forbidden me to give them anything at all this year) or my best friends. I have to give presents to a bunch of women, some whose names I don't even know yet, instead of to the ones I really care about. And I really wonder at times like this, if being a Nice Woman is a good idea. 

Dang. My invective has lost power since last night, when I was still fuming over this. Why is it that my best writing is when I'm mad? I don't like being mad! 

Incidentally:
My work has really picked up lately! Thanks to all the folks who've been spreading the word about me. Of course, I'm always tired and never have any free time to relax, but there's a bit more money coming in. Now my eyebrows are above water occasionally...

The Christmas Card Letter, 2005

Dearest Friends & Family,
 

This year has gotten away from me in a way I had not anticipated 11 months ago! It’s mid-November as I begin to write this, and I marvel that I am being so wasteful as to sit and write a holiday letter when it’s one of the rare evenings that I have free in weeks. Plus the sink is full of dishes, I need to make 2 birthday cakes for tomorrow, and the new Harry Potter movie has just opened and I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to see it at all! Yes, YOU and Entertaining You this Christmas is my priority. Don’t you feel special?

2005 has been one of those Good-For-You years, the emotional equivalent of eating leafy, dark green vegetables and low-fat dairy products. Except that it’s been a Maturing and Patience-developing year. In April, the Big Ole Office Move at William Morris took place, and I survived it, but only briefly… 10 weeks later I was let go, and ever since I have been alternately goofing off and well-nigh killing myself to make ends meet. All my naïve assumptions of immediately finding a new and more impressive job were, alas, ill-founded, and so I have been dabbling in useful activities like clerical work, running errands, babysitting, and pretty much any McJob with a flexible schedule I could find. Including ironing.

On the more positive side, I started my own small business – House Calls Computer Service. As the name rather ...umm... creatively states, I make house calls to provide computer services... It’s enjoyable work, and I think I have a knack for it, especially in giving tutorials. I’m still in the early stages, and I find it difficult to keep myself from giving discounts to my customers so I’m not making enough from it to live on yet, but everyone is amazingly enthusiastic about my future prospects. I also started a regular part-time job working on web design for the American Economic Association on the Vanderbilt University campus – every bit helps! Now I race from house call to house call around the Nashville-Brentwood-Franklin area to keep my workdays filled.

The Latest Hobby
This year I’ve been an obsessed embroiderer – a “Stitcher” as the regulars call themselves. If I am sitting in front of the TV, I am working on a cross-stitch/embroidery project without fail. And as with every hobby, I've assembled a new batch of friends, who gather a few times each month to sit & sew. I've even started a monthly Sewing Bee (renamed "Crafting Bee" when a bunch of scrapbookers wanted in on it) at St. Bartholemew's Church.  See previous vicissitudes on the subject below... 

The Chilluns
Well, there are no new babies this year, and from what my sisters are telling me, there won't be any more in the future. So I am having to console myself with Emma, who is halfway through her Twos and hardly classifies as a baby anymore. *sigh* But she's chirpy and cheerful, and whooo! strong-willed. She wants what she wants, when she wants it, and if it means screaming for 20+ minutes, she has the strength and determination to prevail until distracted by something shiny. She Shall Not Be Moved. At the same time, she's the easiest child to put to bed, although in recent months she will stay awake for an extra hour or two, putting on her own late-night talk show over the baby monitor. Chirp chirp chirp. Plus she looks exactly like Charlie Brown's sister Sally.

Eldest Nephew Elliott is 12 this year, and my heart just SINKS when I think of it. He and George (8) are ardent Boy/Cub Scouters with their Dad, who has developed a widespread reputation in Middle Tennessee as quite the Troop Leader. They WILL be Eagle Scouts. Henry (4) is finding that Emma is an adequate playmate, since he can boss her around after being bossed around by E and G for years. The Knoxville triplet of Taylor (7) Maddie (5) and Virginia (3) have finally lost their shyness of me (what am I saying... Maddie never met a stranger!) and as a result we are having much more fun when Greta and the girls come to Nashville for a visit. We all went to the Gentry Farm Pumpkin Fest in October on what ended up being the coldest day of the month, and those girls went about wrapped in various borrowed sweaters, ponchos, and Aunty/Mimmy arms.

Year-End Picks
Books: Freakonomics, and Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince. HP is a bygone conclusion; I'm on the verge of actual memorization of the entire canon. Freakonomics is in response to the steady lean towards non-fiction I have been experiencing in recent years - it's absolutely perfect for people like myself who think Economics = Boring.
Movies: Hitchhikers' Guide to the Universe and Pride & Prejudice. Both British, both funny, charming, romantic and highly entertaining. Of course, I haven't seen the new HP movie yet... but it's British too, isn't it?
TV: The Colbert Report (Comedy Central) and How I Met Your Mother (CBS). I'm so happy to find some funny shows after what seemed to be a serious drought. Stephen Colbert is so good at parodying Fox News & CNN, and Neil Patrick Harris WILL win the Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Emmy this year.
Music: Anoushka Shankar's Rise. After gaining a fondness for Indian musical influences through my passion for Bollywood, I stumbled on this and just love it - some amazingly nifty combinations of South Asian & Western instruments.  (She's the daughter of Ravi Shankar, and Norah Jones' sister.)

Technology: the iPod & Podcasts.  This thing is awesome - yes, it's great because on a road trip I can pre-load a dozen books-on-tape or more... but then there are downloadable Podcasts, which range from fan discussions of the TV show Lost, to interviews with the historic artisans at Colonial Williamsburg, to ABC's Nightline.  I feel smarter and smarter every day! 

And now, the confession: These are practically the ONLY things I have seen/read/heard this year! It's just been really, really busy.

This coming December feels very odd to me, and I don't quite know what to expect from it.  Turning 37 (30!) does make the biological clock skip a beat (or smash it), and after 8+ years in a generously predictable pattern tied in to my job and year-end bonuses, I don't know how Christmas will turn out now that the routine is gone. The whole Holiday Season is off the tracks for me. But that's how life is supposed to work, I guess - God periodically takes us out of our comfort zone and down a different path. I just hope I arrive at the next stopping place soon and can get comfy again, despite the highly beneficial nature of the rocky hike!

May God bless and keep you this Christmas and in the coming year!

Love, Susan

What Women Want

[Before I begin my rant, I just want to thank everyone who has been calling me for computer help - my business is growing at a steady (though not explosive) rate, and week after week, amazingly, I've been able to pay the bills. Thank God. I just sit back and see my financial needs being met! Although I am feeling more ignorant about computers daily...]
 

So anyway... The other day, I was attempting to explain to a younger friend about something that ever so slightly annoyed me in an older, married women-friend. I was trying to articulate the alarming wholesale enthusiasm she had for the current trend of mass-produced, artificially-cheerful, girlfriend-sharing, bubblebath, margaritas, chocolate, shoes and shopping-bedecked STUFF. You know what I am talking about, although it's just now reaching the point where it's becoming really noticeable, especially at places like TJ Maxx and the gift / cards section at Borders. I'm talking about the product lines that have descended like a hailstorm upon the market that make quippy little remarks about our EXTREME PASSIONS for things like the aforementioned chocolate, bubblebaths, and shopping. With our girlfriends. 

 

I'm talking about the birthday cards that inevitably feature 3-5 older women, usually from about 20-50 years back, doing something outrageous as a group and "celebrating" their girlfriend-ness. See? Even old ladies from way-back-when had fun with their girlfriends!

I'm talking about the notecards in bright fuchsia and black with a single high-heeled pump or an Audrey Hepburn "Breakfast at Tiffanys" hat that just screams how much the sender/recipient loves fashion, especially Manolo Blah-niks.

 

I'm talking about the Chick Lit that is inevitably bound in hot pink, bright orange, or robins-egg blue. Usually all three.

 

I'm talking about the margarita/martini kits, anything with the I-Live-To-Shop philosophy emblazoned upon it, and the assumption that chocolate is a longed-for source of comfort to all women.

 

I don't personally care about any of this stuff (except occasional chocolate, but not for medicinal purposes), and yet it seems unkind and cruel to mock it to friends; usually because many of them were married too young, never discovered their personal tastes and preferences, and so are gladly latching on to these proffered escapes from their husband-work-kids existences, because they don't have time to develop anything on their own. The free time I take for granted (well, not entirely for granted; I certainly suffer when it's taken away from me!) to read and drive and watch TV and movies and do stuff blissfully alone is denied to so many women.

 

So I don't feel inclined to make fun of it; rather I grieve for the women who find these offerings novel and entertaining... because they don't have the time and freedom to find anything beyond them that their own soul really responds to.
 

If you see yourself in this, try reading The Enchanted April by Elizabeth Von Arnim. It's a cure-all for what ails you. Yes, I know you saw the movie. Yes, it's very good. Read the book anyway.

House Calls

I must say, being swept along with an idea makes life SO much easier - you just let the current take you. Last week I decided I would advertise myself for home computer service, since for me it's much more satisfying and profitable than stuffing envelopes for a temp agency. Since then, I've just proceeded as though it was my full-time job, and it has proven far better an idea than I could have anticipated.
 

For years, whenever anyone asked what I did for a living and I said computers, most responses were "man, I need to get someone in to look at my computer, it's so slow!" or "I need wireless set up" or "I need to be shown how to use such-and-such." So, rather lazily, I decided to start making house calls, and this is the result: 

 

Stay tuned!

State of the Susan

I am an amazingly fortunate and well-loved girl, let me tell you! We Southerners know how to cuddle and care for our own, as I have had amply demonstrated to me in the last 6 days. Granted, I did send about 100 folks on my email list a notice saying I was no longer at WMA with my new email address, so the News of Grief was out there... but so many people have been emailing, calling, and praying that I haven't had too much time to dwell on the difficulties of my situation. I haven't been this socially active, for, like, EVER. Almost daily there's been an invitation to lunch, or a horrified friend wanting details over dinner & a movie, etc. It's nice to have people outraged on your behalf!
 

Other developments: I have been dismayed to discover how filthy and cluttered my apartment is by the light of day. This is a strong indication of how lazy yet overworked I've been in the last year, as dusting has become an activity only attempted when guests were imminent, and spiders and roly-poly bugs have had free range of the areas behind furniture. Plus I have been forced to add even more to the clutter by bringing in the boxes of junk from my office. I have nowhere to put this stuff, let alone the gracefully placed stacks of books, boxes, etc. already scattered throughout my apartment. 742 square feet is JUST NOT ENOUGH. I need another room.

 

But that doesn't allay the underlying problem--that I no longer have any excuse whatsoever not to clean up the place. I think we have fully established that I have enough time now. I must root out the Packrat Within, and start hauling out unnecessary detritus to Goodwill and Amvets. But I don't wanna...!

 

Spirits are high, as I dearly love to talk about myself and how I'm doing, and this week has been one non-stop Me Me Me Me session. But I am beginning to get tired of Me, so I will be glad when all of the main people are fully apprised and I can start trying to figure out What To Do Next. I am hoping for a quick, clear and inescapable notification from God as to what my future plans are to be. Yeah, right.

Starting Something New

Yesterday I was let go from my job at William Morris Agency, after 8.5 years. The basic reason was that I was no longer a good fit for the job (which has expanded a great deal over the years), but I was appreciated for all my years of service with the Nashville office. I was a little teary-eyed, but managed to maintain my composure until I was out of the office. The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent in a not-unpleasant state of shock, as I enumerated to friends and family how nice it would be to have free time for several weeks, and maybe try something new, and how nice to be able to sleep late on Monday! A couple of friends came over to commiserate with me, we went out and had a fun dinner, and I got to bed early.
 

I woke up in a considerably different state of mind. As the day as progressed, the shock has been wearing off, and the pain and grief has been setting in. When you're single, I really think that your job is something akin to a spouse. Carrying the analogy a bit further, losing your job can be like being divorced or widowed. The tears have been flowing off and on, and the vast, yawning gulf of "what do I do now?" is before me. I think that perhaps I'm meant to do something else now instead of computer support, but what that might be is unknown to me. I like my stable existence, and am happiest when I have a routine to follow. But now I feel adrift, abandoned, with no solid ground in sight.

 

This might be one of those life-changing seasons I go through periodically, where God (who loves me too well to leave me as I am) starts making changes on my behalf. I can recognize the ultimate advantages and rewards, but it's pretty painful during the process. I feel a little panicky about what Monday will be like, without my routine to cling to; common sense and my Dad say I should start the job search immediately that morning. Part of me rebels at the idea, because I would like to have at least one whole month without working, just to see what it's like. But I also know that I don't do terribly well when I'm idle and have nothing but ME time. Yeah, I need it, but not for days on end!

 

I am fortunate that I am well-enough provided for that I don't have to snatch the first job that comes along; but I think I will feel much better if I can find something suitable and get settled in. In the meantime, I am available for some computer consulting and whatever part-time jobs that might come along.

Handiwork

I am currently engaged in a wholly engrossing activity of truly nerdish/geeky proportions; I have become a chronic embroiderer. My favorite activity most nights is to come home and watch Simpsons episodes while I do needlework. I am keenly aware that this is the most appallingly boring activity most hip young thirty-somethings could ever imagine. But there are several compelling reasons why I feel the need to sew.
 

[BTW, did you know that the word "suzan" in Farsi means "needle"? See?!]

• One, because it keeps me from being an irredeemable couch potato. As long as I am Productive, I don't feel like my evenings in front of the TV are a complete waste.
• Two, because it keeps me from eating from boredom - it is impossible to eat and sew simultaneously.
• Three, because it impresses the hell out of almost everyone. A well-executed sampler or project as a gift will pretty much make every other gift look tawdry, cheap, and ill-considered. "See? I love you more than everyone else!"
• Four, because it is beautiful.
• Five, because it is real.

Four and Five deserve some elaboration... some "embroidery," if you will. All day long at my IT job I manipulate bits of nothingness - I produce NOTHING except documents that more often than not never even get printed - ghosts of words that are read by someone in an email and then deleted, never to be made tangible. Needlework is the one inescapably real thing I do outside the office that actually displays talent and skill beyond my ability to hook up a user laptop on a DSL wireless network and connect via VPN to the office network, or add a show venue address to an enormous database.

 

It used to be that most of the things produced with needle and thread were useful in some way - you made clothing or upholstery or bed linens yourself. But now there's no need - it can be done more cheaply and quickly by machines in factories, or by women at home on sewing machines. Almost the only hand-sewing done now is for art's sake - quilts, cross-stitch, needlepoint. And when you use real linen, and cotton or sometimes silk thread, there is a tangible, beautiful product completed after many hours. It takes focus and it takes patience. Except for little projects, most needlework projects take weeks or months.

 

It's sometimes my only grasp on what is real, what matters, what is meaningful - with a TiVo, iPod, and Blackberry, I can literally spend HOURS on intangibles that have little value or benefit (unless it be to inspire or educate... but for me, usually it's just for entertainment). I come home after herding invisible bits and bytes around an unseen network all day, and I pick up a piece of fine linen with threads of scarlet and purple, and I am making something far more enduring than the report on client earnings I generated that morning, or the software installed that afternoon.

 

And of course, like I said - it impresses the hell out of everyone.