Picture du jour

This is from a year or so back, but now that I have the Google Desktop running, it keeps coming up in the picture rotation so I thought I would share it. Kids' costumes are dirt-cheap nowadays, so Elder Sister has a stash of them for the kids to play with.

This is Henry (now 6) feeling somewhat ennuye. Or cynical, not sure which.

Now THAT'S How You Sell Something on eBay!

Titled: LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675

This mom of 6 also has a blog.

Paint: The Future of Graphic Design

If you still think the Simpsons font in All Caps is a fantastic design concept... do not watch this film.

Baby Bump

When I was in my 20s, people often thought I was pregnant. Not really sure why, unless it was my tendency to wear tops and dresses that looked like maternity clothing, my weight, or that I have a perpetual glow. I suspect the first 2. Really, though - it's happened several times. Once from an old schoolmate's parent, once at a "greet your neighbor" handshake at church, and a few other times I don't remember so well. And to this day, of course, several times from small children who think a big tummy means an imminent baby. Hell, I thought the same when I was small - I'd see big beer bellies on men and think THEY were pregnant. Took a while for me to realize it was gender-specific.

But it's never offended me when someone has said with cheerful inquiry, "So, when's the baby due?" or when a kid has asked me if I have a baby in my tummy. It's a reasonable suspicion to have, with my gut! And in the instant it happens, I actually feel sorry for them, because the minute I say "But I'm not pregnant," they are going to feel absolutely dreadful.

But it's an honest mistake, made based on biology and what pregnant women look like. It's not their fault, it's mine. And my long history of putting MY foot in my mouth before I turned 30 (I still do sometimes) has made me compassionate, because I know that I always meant well, and so do they, probably. So I laugh and shake my head, and say "oh, no, it's ok! It's this blouse/dress I'm wearing!" with great amusement, and have to spend a few minutes consoling their horror at what they have said.

With kids, I can be as blunt as I want, because I feel it's my duty to teach them a small measure of discretion in their dealings with society (it takes a village...!) I usually say something like "No, I'm not going to have a baby... I'm just fat. But you should be careful about saying that to ladies, because you might hurt their feelings." And they go off with their mommy, who is murmuring apologies with a scarlet face.

But this is how I regard my appearance all the time. I honestly think that a calm, dispassionate appraisal of my weight and appearance would be a relief. I may say (as delicately as I can, because I know honesty about my weight makes people intensely uncomfortable) something about my ineligibility with a particular handsome young man because of my weight, and the usual response is one of embarrased refusal and "oh no! that's not true!" when we both know it is. People refuse to acknowledge my reality, because it makes them feel awkward and/or they fear hurting my feelings.

But the truth is the truth! I'm not saying I want people to be harsh or contemptuous of my appearance, but I adore honesty; sometimes, I think I love it more than anything.

I have no interest in taking it to the other extreme. You know what I mean - the Mo'nique-style aggressive plus-size woman, who is cleaving her way through society with a low-cut blouse, fashionable but tight pants, and an attitude of "I'm a sexy, sassy, big, beautiful woman," which they will stuff down the throat of anyone who looks at them sideways. Because I'm NOT happy looking like this, I don't find obesity attractive, so why would I expect anyone else to? I would LOOOOOOVE to be as thin as a supermodel, or even Renee Zellweger at her "outrageous" 140 pounds in Bridget Jones' Diary. (you think that was an amazing feat, putting on 30 pounds for a movie? Shuh!)

I have my own divine spark that I think is appealing, funny and honest, and it will have to be sufficient. Because I doubt at this stage of my life that I could ever turn into a Thin Woman and actually stay that way. And you know what? It makes my life so much easier. I never was considered very attractive (by worldly standards) so I have no delusions about recapturing or maintaining a beauty I never possessed. But I know so many women in their 30s and up, desperately working to try and keep their Prom Queen looks, and feeling so very very awful that they can't. The ones that were Pretty... were the cheerleaders... were prized for their looks... they know what they're missing as they age. But I have nothing to miss!

Microsoft Office 2007

Seen the new Microsoft Office 2007 yet?

Be prepared to be frustrated by it's bloated-ness. This guy puts it perfectly:

Fake Steve Jobs

Bru-tal

It was 100 today in middle Tennessee. It was yesterday, and will be tomorrow too. Mid to upper 90s through Monday, low in the upper 60s. Thick and muggy and so hazy it looks like smog.

Was it ever this hot when I was a child? I don't even remember knowing or caring much. I know I hated doing yard work when it was hot, but that was the only negativity I ever applied to the weather during the summer. It's funny how you start adapting your day to the weather - when you come home from work, parking next to the tree that will cast shade on your car in the morning... picking a restaurant for lunch based on whether or not they have covered parking... putting off shopping until after dark. Not that it's much better in weather like this; the Mugginess is so thick and pervasive, you debate whether or not you really NEED toilet paper.

But maybe this is part and parcel of my Discovering Life series... in a previous post I mentioned that I was noticing things in my thirties I had been oblivious to in my childhood and twenties, like green trees and bluebirds. [Note to zoologists... I have seen an average of 3-5 beavers a WEEK this summer. After 30+ years of never seeing any. What is the deal with all of the beavers this summer? Does it have anything to do with the drop in bee population?] Well, this year I finally noticed what a drought was like. First time I ever really cared, really. Now I find myself praying for each raincloud I spot to give us a good gully-washer.

Tired

I'm very tired this evening... tired of work, tired of websites, tired of trying to juggle so many different issues in so many different places, and make sure they're all done on time, tired of making just enough and no more.

It's my Seasonal Vacation Deficiency, rearing up again as it does every year. Each summer, I get very busy, and then when it all dies down in September/October, I can't afford to go anywhere. I haven't been on a proper, week-long vacation to the beach or some other sybaritic location in 2 years. My chiropractor, trying to fix a stiff neck problem I've been having ever since I fell down some stairs 2 months back, rather solemnly told me that I was suffering from a Fun Deficiency.

Sorry, I'm in the midst of a pity-party today... I've spent the last 3 months helping maintain an online campaign for a young man falsely imprisoned in Nicaragua, 10-15 hours a week, and although there have been significant strides forward, none of our work has yet led to his actual release. As tired and broke and burned out as I am, I still know it's nothing compared to what his parents are dealing with, so I don't feel I can complain. But it's pro bono work on top of my regular workload, and it's just frustrating.

I'm managing the bills and rent and my client list is enough to keep me busy, but I can't afford to just STOP and go away for a week. And this is the same lament I've been making for 2 years now. My close family and friends think I should increase my rates, but I just find that so incredibly hard to do because I know how difficult it would be for me to pay someone $50/hr to work on my computer! So I automatically assume it's a financial burden for everyone else.

Every time a client pulls out their checkbook and says, "so, how much?" I feel guilty for asking for anything over $40, even when I might have spent 3 hours on a job. Part of it is because I feel like if I was smarter/more experienced/did more research/took some classes, I would do the same task in half the time, and therefore I'm not deserving of more than $40/hr. This, despite the fact that my knowledge base has doubled and tripled since I started my business. I just feel like they are writing out my check, thinking, "boy, is she not worth this much!"

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a bargain.

How I Read Books

This is a topic I can discuss endlessly.

When I was growing up, reading books was the center of my universe. It was my primary source of entertainment, anodyne for boredom, solace in the midst of peer rejection, refuge from yard work. It was so primary in my life that my dad actually thought I read too much and wanted to limit my time with books. Fortunately the almost religious degree of respect society has for books made it impossible for him to restrict my reading, but he certainly tried to replace it with yard work and tennis lessons. I don't think he had any pleasure in reading, or he perceived it as a waste of time.

I can list my favorite series and authors ad infinitum, but that is only of interest to myself and other bibliophiles. What interests me at present is HOW people read. I am a skimmer; I read through fiction really quickly although I slow down somewhat for nonfiction since I am reading for detail. My favorite way to read fiction is to quickly get the gist - the basic outline - and then read my favorite portions a second and/or third time. This only applies to really enjoyable fiction, of course. If I'm not really interested, I won't read it again.

If you think about it, it's actually a very time-efficient method. If a book is boring, I have invested very little time in it. But if it's good - like a Harry Potter, or Anne McCaffrey, or Robin McKinley, a Colleen McCullough Rome book, or Stephen R. Lawhead's Avalon - then I can re-read it many times over the years and get to enjoy the experience all over again.

This is NOT a good thing when reading non-fiction. I am rather disinterested in fiction at present, having found nothing as good as the stuff I read when I was younger. (Harry Potter, again, is the exception.) So I've been on a history/biography/cultural history kick for several years now. Skimming is pointless when you're reading for content, so I've had to learn how to slow down and read almost every word.

So I read HP & The Deathly Hallows in about 5+ hours, which averages out to about 140 pages an hour. And yes, I brag about it as if it's a talent or skill! Which is ridiculous, because it's simply the way my brain processes text. I think it's how my subconscious seeks to stretch out its enjoyment of a story; if I really like the story, I want to re-experience it over and over again. Like eating fried chicken - you go over it once, get most of the meat, then go back for any bits left behind. Although I don't like fried chicken.

I miss the reading. Once my TV-watching was no longer restricted, I've spent much less time in books, and now I have fallen out of the habit. I have stacks of books around my apartment that I've been collecting and planning to read; enough to keep me occupied around the clock for a few years if I had no distractions or TV. I've gone from 5-7 books a week as a child to 1 or 2 a month. But thank goodness for iPods and audiobooks! I've gone through so many books on my long commutes that I would never have gotten to read, and it has forced me to learn to process at a slower speed, since you cannot "skim" an audiobook!

Criminal

OK, once again, I have TRIED the mish-mash that is Last Comic Standing, hoping that it might recapture some of the formula of the first 2 seasons.

It hasn't.

They picked their final 10, and the best comedienne on the stage didn't make it. Typical.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present Fiona O'Laughlin, of Alice Springs, Australia:

Completion

I finished the 7th and last Harry Potter book at 4:34 Saturday afternoon.

Next?

The Next Tom Hanks

Can I just say how much I enjoy seeing John Krasinski from The Office in interviews? I have rarely seen any actor so engaged and so entertaining in a one-on-one media setting. I have quite the crush on his TV character Jim Halpert, but in person he is actually funnier and seems to be having such a good time. Maybe because he hasn't done enough press junkets to be jaded and blase yet... ahhh, may that day be far off.

Here's one of his best interviews, from Conan:

Grandma's Cures

One of those Frequent Forwards, but I find these irresistable. I keep hoping they'll ultimately come up with a "to lose 100 pounds in 1 year, eat 4 ounces of Toblerone daily with a diet coke."

GRANDMA'S CURES
Keep This Handy On The Fridge

• Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."
• Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
• Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
• Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
• Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
• Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.
• Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
• Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
• Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
• Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer .. If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
• Smart splinter remover. just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
• Hunt's tomato paste boil cure... cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
• Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.
• Vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
• Kill fleas instantly... Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.
• Rainy day cure for dog odor. Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
• Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear... Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
• Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

Recurring Dream, part 2

So last night I had my new nightmare - two times is a coincidence, three times is a pattern.

I loathe horror films. Don't ever, ever want to see one. Don't understand how anyone can get any enjoyment from them AT ALL. Don't understand how there can even be a market. And don't even get me started on the latest trend of Torture Porn that passes for horror nowadays.

But on occasion, if the trailer looks interesting, I will sometimes go on TheMovieSpoiler.com and read the storyline just to see how it ends. I made the mistake of reading the breakdown for Dawn of the Dead a few years ago when it came out, and have been haunted ever since. Now, my nightmares consist of zombies and people trying to escape from them, and my family is involved. It's exhausting, because there's no safety to be found anywhere. It's my old fear of societal breakdown/Armegeddon, kicked up a notch. Endless running, trying to rescue family members, trying to find a safe place...

I woke up with this in my mind at 4 am, and could not banish it, even with prayer, or trying to focus on more pleasant things. I finally took some GABA Complex [side note: amazing little amino acid that will let you go back to sleep when your mind won't stop spinning! no side effects] and dropped back off to sleep, but this morning a residual anxiety and melacholy still lingers. My daily Kitties and Bunnies aren't doing the trick either, so I thought I'd write this out.

So, if your dreams are a reflection of your inner conflicts, then what does this say about me?

I Dreamed...

...last night that I was re-hired to my old IT job at William Morris... and it was dreadful. It was in a new building, but we were packed into one long row of cubicles with an aisle down the center... and I couldn't get anyone to really look at me or talk to me. It was crowded with very little space, and there was this air of unhappiness and anxiety.

I remember thinking, "I am SO much better equipped for this job now; I know so much more, they'll be impressed..." but I kept thinking of my little part-time job at the AEA, where I was given so much freedom, and thinking "I don't want to give that job up!" and dreading having to go in and quit.

Amazing how the Dream Job can become the Dreaded Job!

Catbox

http://www.evilmadscientist.com/article.php/catvolume

Swamped

I am swamped with work at present, which should make me happy since it usually means an increase in income... but for some reason, it just frustrates and stresses me.

And yes, I do realize that I'm not really helping myself by taking time to blog about it... but I'm hoping that by journaling this out it will give me some sense of control over the chaos.

Most of my web-design clients want me to work on something for them this week. But I don't know how best to put them in order of importance/significance. Part of the problem is that I spent the entire weekend working on stuff; babysitting overnight for Elder Sister, then spending and afternoon and evening at a music gig with the band, then getting up early to run the baby room for both services at church, then making a birthday cake and celebrating a friend's birthday. All of them, good things I generally enjoy... but when every hour has some demand upon it, even enjoyable things become an ordeal to be "gotten through".

My apartment continues its slow decline into entropy - now, besides the lock being hopelessly jammed on my front door (and 4 phone calls to get it fixed - we'll just see when I go home if they finally did something!), the tub faucet won't turn all the way off - the knob just keeps twisting around and around, resulting in a perpetual trickle. The paint is peeling off of everything outside, the carpet is spotted and stretched so there are speed bumps every few feet, and the medicine cabinet door is sagging. Oh, and my car door on the passenger side is making a rattling sound, and the lock for it seems unnaturally recessed, which makes me suspect that the body work last fall was poorly done.

I need a week where I can just get things fixed. I'm tired, I'm ill-tempered and impatient, and I don't know how it'll all get done. I don't like telling people that I can't do something they've requested; although get me worked up into a panic attack and I'll quit in seconds! Not panicking at present... just not happy.

I wish someone would just give me a lot of money and a plane ticket to London. But it never happens.

Quick Realization

In dealing with some minor personal frustrations with the cover band I'm singing with, I have finally realized something about myself; it's not that I am truly obnoxious or excessive in my attempts to fix small problems, polish a song, or make a suggestion... it's that I am usually the only one doing it. I'm a squeaky wheel, and instead of getting the grease, I will probably... be traded out for a less squeaky wheel.

People who don't feel compelled to "make a noise," (so to speak) aren't at fault in this; they're in the majority. But I wish sometimes that other people could take some of the negative focus off of me, and be the one to say "that's not working," or "can we do this instead" so that I don't feel like such a spoil-sport all the time.

Dire Necessity

We need a new series of hand signals for car drivers. Now that we no longer indicate direction by sticking our left hand out the window, we need to come up with some universally recognized signals that indicate:

• Thank you for letting me merge in front of you
• I am so stupid for cutting you off! I'm so sorry!

I am partial to the idea of punching myself in the head when I make a mistake in driving; it exhibits penitence, frustration with my error as well as an obvious understanding that I am the one responsible.

But when it comes to the thank-you gesture, I can't think of anything good. The fairly common "wave in the rear view mirror" feels too casual, too insufficiently grateful.

As to expressing frustation, I would also like a gesture that exhibits a feeling of "You were very stupid there, I am very mad, but I acknowledge that you might not have meant to be so careless." Honking or flipping someone off is too mean if it is a genuine oversight on their part; they drive on feeling very hurt and offended.

Ideas? Followed by, How on earth do you make a signal universally recognized?

Moving On

Here's how you know that you've moved on from a tragedy - you forget the anniversary.

I was fired from my job at William Morris 2 years ago on June 17th, and I completely forgot until today. This is in stark contrast to last year, when I was keenly aware of of the date.

So I've been working on my own for 2 years now, and it's another mark of my moving on that I am no longer in constant anxiety of not making enough to live on. Every month is still different, I never know how I'll manage, but month after month, the bills get paid, even when the numbers don't seem to add up. God provides, sparrow, lily of the field, etc.

Sorry, that sounds flippant - God really has provided all my needs. I give him all the credit for this.

Brian Bacon, Where Are You?

Brian is an old college friend who disappeared into the wilds of Ohio after graduation, and I can't find his current address.

I have the COOLEST political yard sign I've been holding onto for over 7 years for him... it says

BACON FOR ALDERMAN

How awesome is that?! So Brian, if you're out there, please get in touch!

My Brian story - I was the secretary for the Lit & Lang Department at Belmont in the odd 2 years after I finished my coursework (I hadn't finished my Honors Thesis. My years are all off-kilter) and one day Brian walked into my office wearing a 70s beige & brown double-knit polyester leisure suit and thick horn-rimmed glasses. This, from a guy who generally dressed in a fairly nondescript, Guy way. I didn't know him very well yet, and the whole 70s retro look hadn't come in yet (not even the 60s fashion revival was in play at this point), and I just stared at him with a "wha?" expression. I couldn't tell if he was doing it as a joke, or as a deliberate fashion statement. He acted as though there was nothing untoward about his wardrobe.

Now, of course, I think it was all a joke. A really awesome joke.

Thanks to Hakomike for giving me the idea for this blog entry.