Thursday, February 10, 2000

Singleton Day

As a single person in February, I am keenly aware of the impending depression and panic of Valentine's Day. It is ironic that the holiday that celebrates love has become the most vicious holiday of all to the single and unattached. More effectively than any other holiday, Valentine's Day manages to make a huge majority of the public miserable.
The independence and relative solitude that was enjoyable in January is dispelled the minute that red and pink heart-shaped items start to appear in store aisles; and unfortunately that is starting sooner and sooner each year. I was able to buy a little box of those chalky candy conversation hearts in mid-January. Great. Now we can count on feeling depressed for an entire MONTH.
No matter how brave a face you put on it; either wearing black in defiance or sending yourself flowers and buying a heart-shaped box of chocolates at 50% off on February 15th, you have still lost the game because you are single and unattached.
So I would propose a new holiday. In the bestseller Bridget Jones' Diary, author Helen Fielding refers to singles respectfully, with their own proper noun: Singletons. I would like to see the creation of Singleton Day, oh, some time in June since it is a relatively holiday-free month. And since people like to occasionally have a reason for a holiday, we can celebrate it on June 4th, the day the Nineteenth Amendment was passed granting women the right to vote. Nobody can complain about celebrating that. 
Now, since all holidays need a few criteria…
The Color: Blue, because no other holiday has it except for it being part of the tricolor of the 4th of July. And it's practical, because leftover chocolates can be brought out again on the 4th.

The Meal: Lunch, in a restaurant. Singletons do Lunch better than anyone else, probably because it's our chief form of socialization, and this should be recognized. Just think - no huge family feasts where the questions "So when are you getting married?" or "Are you dating anyone yet?" are asked… paradise!
The Gifts: Chocolate, of course, is universally accepted. For the under-21 crowd - videos. For the over-21 crowd - videos and kitchen implements. You can always use kitchen implements, especially the guys who generally never think of buying such things for themselves. We're not getting a wedding shower anytime soon - and we have apartments to furnish, dammit! No useless gifts, please.
I can't imagine why this wouldn't work - just look at the merchants with another major source of holiday income, the restaurant boom on that special day, the greeting card industries - M&M/Mars would LOVE it! So write to your local representatives or whoever it is that is responsible for legislating stuff like this, and talk about it amongst your friends, and maybe we can get a groundswell of support. On February 14th, as you look longingly at the bouquets arriving for other people in your office, think about how nice it would be to celebrate your personal independence and get some chocolate at the same time.