Grieving

I went to a memorial service today at my church for a young couple who just lost a baby at around 18 weeks. She's had a horrific pregnancy; constantly nauseous and frequently hospitalized for dehydration, and so for this to happen after 5 months is just heartbreaking. All that suffering and pain with no baby at the end of it. They already have a daughter so they aren't entirely bereft, but they hurt nonetheless.

Now, this is the part where I acknowledge my own selfishness and self-interest, but I present this anyway because it's not an entirely invalid realization. As we were sitting and listening to an amazing reading, and I looked down from the choir loft, I saw that she was resting her head on his shoulder, and I thought, how lucky she is to have her husband and her little girl, and all of these people are here to share and acknowledge her quite understandable grief...

...but do single, unmarried, childless women ever get the same? I have no husband, I have no children, and my chances of having either are slimmer and more fragile every year... will anyone besides my mom and some women friends ever grieve with me that I have no-one? It'll be the occasional night of weeping, the occasional teary-eyed conversation over lunch, and that will be the end of it as far as anyone is concerned. Their grief will diminish, and they might yet have another baby, but my grief of an unrealized family will never go away.

I may have the advantages of freedom and independence and sufficient sleep over those with spouses and children, and I may really enjoy it most of the time. But I will never be granted the respect and consolation of a memorial service for the death of my hopes and dreams.

Lordy, that's a downer. Go read the funny one under this!

Gazing Into The Future...

OK so I have, for some years now, written predictions for friends of mine in the performing arts; grand and glorious careers amongst the high and mighty of Hollywood, Broadway, and the literary and musical fields. Because what is a prediction for except to inspire and encourage? And honestly, in this day and age why shouldn't it happen in as miraculous a way as I've forseen?

So my friend DJ lost out on an amazing opportunity due to red tape, and I wrote this "career path" for him:

"I can see it now... the 2008 Tony Awards... You're nominated for a Best Actor Award... You win, and go up and give the best acceptance speech EVER, and Mel Brooks hears it, and goes, "That kid is PERFECT for my next show!" which would have been all lame and stuff because, let's face it, he hasn't had anything really fresh or funny since the days of Blazing Saddles; but you add so much to the role that the critics actually go mad about it, and the studios decide to make a movie version, which, unlike the Producers, is actually GOOD, so you're up for a Golden Globe in Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy, which you win, of course, and you give another fantastic acceptance speech, and then Kevin Smith begs you to make his next picture, to which you say, OK, because you've realized that one of your gifts as a performer is to revitalize the careers of formerly great writer/director/producers, and instead of making a comedy, it's a historic drama on the scale of Reds because you have so completely inspired Smith that he decides to go in a completely different direction, and that of course leads to an Oscar. And then you go on Oprah!"

You should read the one where my friend Rachel ends up "turning" the irresistable Brit Rupert Everett from his current orientation, and having a half-dozen kids with him. It's a corker!

Race... Run... Dash...

to this blog! Her comments on the Olympics are Hi-Larious. And I must say, I thought of most of these things myself as well; I was just BUSIER than her and failed to note them down.

http://www.martiniministry.com/

Then, when you'd like to cry in a really good way for a little while (or see if you have the willpower to resist it at work) go see the CNN sports clip about the slightly autistic high school student who was allowed to play in the last 4 minutes of his team's basketball game... [trickling movements with fingers down cheeks] Niagara Falls...

J-mac's Hoop Dreams Come True

I Loves Me Some Drama!

So I've rehashed this with any number of friends & family, but I am alternately disappointed and delighted with the Olympics this year. I finally solidified what I find so appealing about watching them - it's the stories. Have they suffered to get there? Do they have a dying family member? Are they emotional when they win? Do they weep on the podium? Do they fall spectacularly and then rise to fight on?

There's been a lack of really good surprise stories this time, and yet there have been some; but I find myself watching for long stretches, working on a scarf or hat, and finally thinking "gosh, I'm so bored with this!"

Olympic Fun

"And last night was good, too, even though no one fell." -- Anne-Marie

Yeah, good times! Lotsa fun to be had if you're inclined to make fun of arrogance and misfortune... Man, watching the Italian Ice Dancing pair fume at each other... very satisfying!

And Lindsay Jacobellis - poor girl, I really do feel for her; all of the snowboard guys had done the same trick grab if they were way out ahead; she just happened to be the one unfortunate soul to miss when she tried. Youthful high spirits will forever be condemned in her as arrogance, and I just don't buy it. That clip will be rolled out with wearying predictability for the rest of her life, and she'll always have that label. Whereas Bode Miller's mistakes will just be dismissed as typical rogue jock.

And they should have advised her to do damage control - you MUST be honest immediately in those situations - she obviously never saw Ashley Simpson on SNL! Had she fessed up immediately and wept with frustration, she'd have been forgiven immediately. Instead she tried to brazen it out and no-one bought it for an instant. Young and stupid... of course, immediately after watching that, I went out to my car in the snow and ice to run to the bank (Sat morning) and promptly locked my keys in my car when I got back out with the scraper... so who am I to judge?

OK, this is fortuitous... not one week after creating this blog, I am introduced to the fun that is NationStates.net. You can create your own country, pick political systems, a flag, a motto, a currency... So, The Grand Duchy of Susania lives there too, although I was forced to call it the Grand Duchy of New Susania cause someone had already taken Susania. very upsetting.

My niece Emma

I KNOW as an aunt that I'm not supposed to play favorites, but it is impossible not to at times. I do love all of my nieces and nephews (as has been well documented in a half-dozen adoring Christmas letters) but ever since Emma Jane, the youngest was born almost 3 years ago, she has fascinated me. She looks amazingly like her mother as a little girl, and has the same fearlessness and stubbornness. Granted, she hasn't managed to pull a chest of drawers on top of herself & break her collarbone yet as did Mommy, but she's fallen off of a variety of furniture and I am sure will manage to break something in the next year or so.

She reminds me of Sally Brown, Charlie Brown's little sister. Same big round head (a family trait), and blond hair that is swirly in the front and swoops up on the sides. Uncanny.

She is simultaneously the girliest girl I've ever seen, and the most rambunctous tomboy. I bought her a little plastic tiara as a consolation gift when taking her and Henry to buy his birthday present, and she could. not. get. over. it. Just loved it. She has a variety of princess dresses for playing dress-up, a couple of pairs of net wings, and has recently discovered the Disney canon of princess movies; Cinderella is her obsession. Plus her Disney princesses nightgown.

She is NEVER indifferent. She is so completely committed to the task at hand, that if my mom or I come in and she's occupied, we get no more than a blank glance. On the other hand, if she is at leisure, she will fling herself at you for hugs, and then show you every single one of her pastel stuffed animals, purses, or movies.

We went sledding on Saturday with the 2-inch snow we were begrudgingly granted, and I was amazed at how she would so willingly be placed in a saucer and shoved down a hill, usually backwards. If she spilled, she could have cared less, and often hopped up with a "yahoo!" which she learned from her brothers. Then she would haul her tiny self back up the hill to go down again, over and over. I really could see her as a snowboarder or an X-Games enthusiast 15 years down the road... I find her so simultaneously cuddly and fierce.

The other night I was babysitting for her, and after what was a perfectly peaceful evening, she was infuriated to find that she would have to go to bed (unusual for her, as she has always been the easiest to put to bed). I picked her up, kicking and screaming and carried her forcibly upstairs, where she proceeded to carry out a 15+ minute temper tantrum. When offered pacifying objects, she would shriek with fury and throw them from her. I sat in the rocker and played a little computerized Yahtzee game until she subsided enough to be offered a "way out" of her tantrum without wounding her pride. But there was no way I was going to give in to such behavior - as I have often said, I will NOT have my babies turn into brats.

Sure, temper tantrums are common enough in children, but what amazed me was the sheer longevity of it. Her will to perservere is phenomenal in one so small; and if denied something, she will not easily be distracted from her purpose, if at all. She's quite prepared to scream as long as it takes, and the fact that tantrums have not ever actually worked hasn't sunk in yet, so we just sit back and marvel at her strength.

I invented a song for her a few years back to a melody that I can't place; I think it's a little Mozart snippet. She really loves it, and so I have started making up lyrics to any bedtime instrumental music on the CD player in her room; usually with recurring themes of Emma Jane/time to sleep/mommy and daddy/close your eyes.

I am a baby princess
Adored by my family
I am a baby princess
As pretty of a princess as you'll see.

I have a mom and daddy
Of big brothers I have three
I am the baby princess
When I grow up I'm going to be the queen.

Funny AND Handsome!

Just recently remembered how much I loved Gary Gulman on Last Comic Standing last year... I've had the John Heffron cd for a while now, but never got the one for Gary. Well, now you can! Yes, you can buy it on his website, and even cheaper if you do it as an mp3 download.

The man has genius insight on cookies! Plus, I can't recollect any vulgarity...

Jealousy is an ugly thing...

and boy, sometimes I sho do have it. My biotch friend Rachel is a better writer than me (which means, she's a FUNNIER writer than me) and I read her website, and lo, I am jealous.

But my jealousy doesn't override my admiration of the quality therein, and telling other people about it. Go take a look! Enjoy! Just bear in mind that 1) I'm the one who introduced her to Bollywood, and 2) also cuteoverload.com.

...So he says

So Mark says (names changed to protect the indolent) that he has a new chat abbreviation - instead of LOL (laughing out loud), he uses LOTI (laughing on the inside). Please use freely.

My Little Tater

Right now I am chatting on MSN Messenger with my niece Taylor, formerly known as Tater, and it's really cute... she's only 7, and so her typing skills are somewhat labored; it take 2-5 minutes for her to type a sentence and so I have lots of time to do other things (like post to my blog) while she pecks out her responses. She's really liking Science at present, which is excellent. I think she'll make an exceptional zoologist someday, if her current passions persist.

OH, and she was a lobster in the school program last night. I'm getting the details right now...

How true, how true

Went to lunch with my Mom today and ended up crying through most of it, much to my dismay... As we do on occasion, the Weight Issue was brought up by her for discussion, and I kept trying to explain that my decision of the moment NOT to really try very hard to lose weight was one based on an intimate understanding of my personality, and hence the futility of such an effort. I've failed to make any permanent effect on my appearance despite trying since I was 12, and unless I am really inspired by a particular method of diet & exercise, I make no real progress... and if I do, it only lasts a year or so. So why should I kill myself on a constant course of failure?

I'm not saying I won't make ANY effort; but I know how much of a committment it will take to have any real effect and it's JUST. NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. I eat salads, and cut down on sugar and yeast, and exercise occasionally... but that's just bare maintenance, not enough to make any difference in my appearance. Believe me, I have no desire to develop diabetes, which is what has been hung over my head since my early twenties; but it will take a famine and having to walk everywhere to make a sufficient change in my lifestyle, and I don't see that happening, do you?

Elder Sister is on the latest variation of Diet she's been pursuing for the last 5-10 years, and is making amazing progress... and I TRULY am happy for her... but barring a miracle, she'll put it all back on someday. We always do. We are genetically pre-disposed on our father's side to look like German Farmwives from our mid-twenties onward. Younger Sister got more of my mother's genetic code so she looks great; but she's no Skinny Minnie either.

Is accepting a Fact as Reality the equivalent of Hopelessness? My Mom seems to think so. I call it Acceptance, she calls it Hopelessness.

Frosty the Zombie

...stolen from a letter I wrote to friend in NYC:

Yeah, I wondered about how things were going for you "up there" in SnowLand... entirely envious, of course, just because the ONE chance we've had for snow was last weekend and it was a piss-poor experience... instead of a nice big blowout of 2-4 inches as promised, it just flurried off and on for 3 days. Pretty, but unsatisfying. And all of the FORCED snowmen ("Kids! There's a half-inch! We MUST BUILD THE SNOWMAN NOW before it's all gone!") as rotting pillars of gray and muddy snow in the middle of green grass look so sad. You wouldn't think snowmen could rot, but they can.

So I says to her,

I'm going to crochet a hat and scarf for my friend in NYC because she is smart enough to compliment a baby blanket I made, and ask if I could make her stuff in the same yarn. I loves me some flattering, so of COURSE I started last night. This, despite the fact that I have 2 baby blankets to do, a cross-stitch baby announcement, a historic sampler, a embroidered purse, and a half-dozen or so UFOs (un-finished objects) in my cluttered apartment.

But it's COLD, and they're up to their necks in snow, and it will stop being winter soon. So that takes precedence. The purse will be next to get worked on, since I really want to finish it - it's more elaborate and complicated than anything I've made before, and I really don't want to set it aside for fear of not picking it back up.

Then the sampler - I have to get a certain amount done each month, since I am part of a pilot group in Nashville that is working on it. Jennifer Core of the Tennessee Sampler Survey is designing the sampler based on elements taken directly from samplers made in Middle Tennessee over 100+ years ago - she's documented dozens of them, and so stitchers in Nashville & Knoxville are working on personalized versions of it through 2006 - 10 bands, and an average one is a foot wide and over 4 feet long! People are using different types of fibers - silk, cotton, hand-dyed - and different thread-counts of linen... I'm going straight down the middle with cotton DMC thread on 32 count linen.

Which will mean NOTHING to most of you.

But I'm making Renu a hat with earflaps and long strings, although the pompoms have been rejected. Cause it's COLD and the chilled people of New York need our help keeping warm. It makes me so happy to do it, too. So often I make things as a surprise for people, and although they are complimentary, I really don't think they're as appreciative as I selfishly would wish. Cause it's all about what makes ME happy!

Today at a pizza-party lunch here at the AEA (I'll let you figure out what that stands for) one of the ladies confessed that she had, in fact, met her husband at a family reunion. And she's from Pegram. But sorry to disappoint them there Yankees slavering at the old joke made into reality; he was the friend of a relative by marriage and no kin to her. HA!

So ANYWAY...

In typical impulse fashion, I have created a blog. Nothing much else to do today; can't leave work yet, not feeling inspired to write an entire journal entry on my website http://www.shouston.com, so this is an attempt to make myself try the blogging medium.

Wept through the final skating of the Pairs competition as I finally watched it on my tivo this morning... had no idea the Russian pair had dealt with such a debilitating incident as him DROPPING her in competition 2 years back (which gave her a severe concussion; she was unconscious on the ice, in fact) - the guilt and loss of confidence that poor man felt - at the end of their long program, he dropped to his knees and kissed her hands in gratitude for her confidence in him.

THIS is what I watch the Olympics for.

Then the Zhang x 2 pair from China skated last, and she took one of the nastiest spills I've ever seen coming out of a throw to a quad salchow - so bad they had to stop, check her knees, and let her collect herself... your heart just bled for he, and the audience just clapped and cheered so encouragingly. But then they resumed their program and did beautifully, and WON SILVER! Now THAT is what I watch the Olympics for. Just unbelievable.

Festivus

OH I AM SO TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!!!!! Everyone get a grip and MOVE ON! If I weren't a die-hard Christian, I would embrace the faux holiday of Festivus, with the Feats of Strength and the Airing of Grievances, just to turn my back on this ludicrous debate and pretend it wasn't going on.

Everyone just stop the pointless discussion and go read Harrison Bergeron. I read this in 8th grade and didn't get it then, but boy, do I get it now.

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

A friend said this the other day, and as usual, I felt the familiar guilt. I am one of those unwilling to give up sleep for other "more important" things. Ever since I read the passage in Proverbs 6: “How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest -- and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man,” I have had a sense that perhaps I was not holding up my end of things. 
 

I don’t want to be poor, and I don’t want to be a sluggard, but dammit, I NEED MY SLEEP! I’m one of those folks that gets nauseous and sick when I’m sleep-deprived, and yet there are so many people I know: 1) those who survive, reluctantly, on 5-6 hours a night; 2) young parents, never able to get more than a few hours at a time; 3) those who just don’t seem to need more than 4 hours a night and that means YOU, Ken, you damn freak. All of this conspires to add to my sense of guilt for not being one of those folks who get up at the crack o’ dawn and “go for a run” before breakfast and the morning paper. Perhaps, I think, I would actually go to the gym every day… spend time in meditation and prayer… make a lunch for the day and start dinner in the Crock-Pot… if only I could get up at 5!

Instead, on most mornings, I get up at 7… so I can lounge in bed and slowly awake while watching last night’s rerun of The West Wing (how I lurve you Bradley Whitford & Rob Lowe!) until 8. I feel very bad about this, I assure you. But you know, I am usually in a good mood as a result. One should not underestimate the benefits of a Good Mood.

So, back to my friend and her comment. She’s in a tough job, starting at the bottom to work her way up, and the company LOOOOVES to see how much they can push you before rewarding you with a pitiful salary and job insecurity and the dubious cachet of a line on your resume that doesn’t always pay off as it should. If she sticks it out, she will officially be one of those Go-Getters who can be anything she wants to be. But how much fun is she having as a result? Maybe she has a nice low-sleep threshold, but what if she doesn’t, and just gets by on coffee? What is the quality of her life then?

If you go through every day of your life except maybe weekends feeling tired & run down, WHAT IS THE ADVANTAGE of living that kind of life? Sure, it implies you've got a character with moxie, gusto, competetiveness, worthy of joinging The Trump Organization… but is it any fun? Do you like working when you just want to lie down and sleep? Does your brain work well under those conditions? Are you performing at your best? (Now, this diatribe only applies to those who choose to sleep less so they can do more… new parents are exempt, since we all know they’d like more sleep, since that’s what they’re always telling us, sensible and weary people that they are.)

Anyway, I had an epiphany a few days ago, and the guilt lifted when I realized that the QUALITY of my life was (partially) dependent on sufficient sleep. The implied virtue of those who deprive themselves of sleep in order to get ahead no longer hangs over me, Hallelujah! I am now free to sleep my 7-8 hours and know that in it’s own way, Sleep is my Gym, my Healthy Diet, my Positive Attitude.

A Small Chunk of Holiday Bitterness

So I mentally wrote this last night as I drove home, only to walk in the door and promptly forget it. And it was GOOD - really good... THEN. Let us see if it can be re-created, shall we?
 

So, last night, I went to TJ Maxx to buy Christmas presents for my new part-time co-workers over at the AEA. I'm sure it's perfectly clear to everyone that I'm in Straitened Financial Circumstances at present, what with the Unemployment and starting my own business, etc. But on Tuesday I came in to find 2 gift bags on my desk and the realization that in this office, everyone gives little presents to everyone else "but you don't have to if you don't want to," what with the fact that I just started 3-4 weeks ago. Well, of course I don't want to! But I must. 

Why? you may ask. Because it's necessary. Because I'm going to be working with these 9 women for some time to come, hopefully, and you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Because we're not to the place where I would share the information that I'm perpetually broke and borrowing money to pay bills from my family. Because they are all best friends from childhood and later, and although they aren't cutting me out in any way, I don't need to set myself apart from the group any more than I already am, what with the part-time aspect of my job, and the fact that I don't come in til 9:30 and leave at 6 (they're really good to me here!) Because they have asked me to come with them to Boston for the AEA Conference in January, are paying my way and my salary, and I'm going to be working with these women all day, every day for a week. Because they are Nice Women. Because I am a Nice Woman too. 

So I spent $40 on some (really pretty) Christmas ornaments, $5 on giftwrap, and spent my one precious free night at home this week bundling, wrapping, and ribboning a dozen gifts, when I can't even afford presents for my family (who have strictly forbidden me to give them anything at all this year) or my best friends. I have to give presents to a bunch of women, some whose names I don't even know yet, instead of to the ones I really care about. And I really wonder at times like this, if being a Nice Woman is a good idea. 

Dang. My invective has lost power since last night, when I was still fuming over this. Why is it that my best writing is when I'm mad? I don't like being mad! 

Incidentally:
My work has really picked up lately! Thanks to all the folks who've been spreading the word about me. Of course, I'm always tired and never have any free time to relax, but there's a bit more money coming in. Now my eyebrows are above water occasionally...

The Christmas Card Letter, 2005

Dearest Friends & Family,
 

This year has gotten away from me in a way I had not anticipated 11 months ago! It’s mid-November as I begin to write this, and I marvel that I am being so wasteful as to sit and write a holiday letter when it’s one of the rare evenings that I have free in weeks. Plus the sink is full of dishes, I need to make 2 birthday cakes for tomorrow, and the new Harry Potter movie has just opened and I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to see it at all! Yes, YOU and Entertaining You this Christmas is my priority. Don’t you feel special?

2005 has been one of those Good-For-You years, the emotional equivalent of eating leafy, dark green vegetables and low-fat dairy products. Except that it’s been a Maturing and Patience-developing year. In April, the Big Ole Office Move at William Morris took place, and I survived it, but only briefly… 10 weeks later I was let go, and ever since I have been alternately goofing off and well-nigh killing myself to make ends meet. All my naïve assumptions of immediately finding a new and more impressive job were, alas, ill-founded, and so I have been dabbling in useful activities like clerical work, running errands, babysitting, and pretty much any McJob with a flexible schedule I could find. Including ironing.

On the more positive side, I started my own small business – House Calls Computer Service. As the name rather ...umm... creatively states, I make house calls to provide computer services... It’s enjoyable work, and I think I have a knack for it, especially in giving tutorials. I’m still in the early stages, and I find it difficult to keep myself from giving discounts to my customers so I’m not making enough from it to live on yet, but everyone is amazingly enthusiastic about my future prospects. I also started a regular part-time job working on web design for the American Economic Association on the Vanderbilt University campus – every bit helps! Now I race from house call to house call around the Nashville-Brentwood-Franklin area to keep my workdays filled.

The Latest Hobby
This year I’ve been an obsessed embroiderer – a “Stitcher” as the regulars call themselves. If I am sitting in front of the TV, I am working on a cross-stitch/embroidery project without fail. And as with every hobby, I've assembled a new batch of friends, who gather a few times each month to sit & sew. I've even started a monthly Sewing Bee (renamed "Crafting Bee" when a bunch of scrapbookers wanted in on it) at St. Bartholemew's Church.  See previous vicissitudes on the subject below... 

The Chilluns
Well, there are no new babies this year, and from what my sisters are telling me, there won't be any more in the future. So I am having to console myself with Emma, who is halfway through her Twos and hardly classifies as a baby anymore. *sigh* But she's chirpy and cheerful, and whooo! strong-willed. She wants what she wants, when she wants it, and if it means screaming for 20+ minutes, she has the strength and determination to prevail until distracted by something shiny. She Shall Not Be Moved. At the same time, she's the easiest child to put to bed, although in recent months she will stay awake for an extra hour or two, putting on her own late-night talk show over the baby monitor. Chirp chirp chirp. Plus she looks exactly like Charlie Brown's sister Sally.

Eldest Nephew Elliott is 12 this year, and my heart just SINKS when I think of it. He and George (8) are ardent Boy/Cub Scouters with their Dad, who has developed a widespread reputation in Middle Tennessee as quite the Troop Leader. They WILL be Eagle Scouts. Henry (4) is finding that Emma is an adequate playmate, since he can boss her around after being bossed around by E and G for years. The Knoxville triplet of Taylor (7) Maddie (5) and Virginia (3) have finally lost their shyness of me (what am I saying... Maddie never met a stranger!) and as a result we are having much more fun when Greta and the girls come to Nashville for a visit. We all went to the Gentry Farm Pumpkin Fest in October on what ended up being the coldest day of the month, and those girls went about wrapped in various borrowed sweaters, ponchos, and Aunty/Mimmy arms.

Year-End Picks
Books: Freakonomics, and Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince. HP is a bygone conclusion; I'm on the verge of actual memorization of the entire canon. Freakonomics is in response to the steady lean towards non-fiction I have been experiencing in recent years - it's absolutely perfect for people like myself who think Economics = Boring.
Movies: Hitchhikers' Guide to the Universe and Pride & Prejudice. Both British, both funny, charming, romantic and highly entertaining. Of course, I haven't seen the new HP movie yet... but it's British too, isn't it?
TV: The Colbert Report (Comedy Central) and How I Met Your Mother (CBS). I'm so happy to find some funny shows after what seemed to be a serious drought. Stephen Colbert is so good at parodying Fox News & CNN, and Neil Patrick Harris WILL win the Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Emmy this year.
Music: Anoushka Shankar's Rise. After gaining a fondness for Indian musical influences through my passion for Bollywood, I stumbled on this and just love it - some amazingly nifty combinations of South Asian & Western instruments.  (She's the daughter of Ravi Shankar, and Norah Jones' sister.)

Technology: the iPod & Podcasts.  This thing is awesome - yes, it's great because on a road trip I can pre-load a dozen books-on-tape or more... but then there are downloadable Podcasts, which range from fan discussions of the TV show Lost, to interviews with the historic artisans at Colonial Williamsburg, to ABC's Nightline.  I feel smarter and smarter every day! 

And now, the confession: These are practically the ONLY things I have seen/read/heard this year! It's just been really, really busy.

This coming December feels very odd to me, and I don't quite know what to expect from it.  Turning 37 (30!) does make the biological clock skip a beat (or smash it), and after 8+ years in a generously predictable pattern tied in to my job and year-end bonuses, I don't know how Christmas will turn out now that the routine is gone. The whole Holiday Season is off the tracks for me. But that's how life is supposed to work, I guess - God periodically takes us out of our comfort zone and down a different path. I just hope I arrive at the next stopping place soon and can get comfy again, despite the highly beneficial nature of the rocky hike!

May God bless and keep you this Christmas and in the coming year!

Love, Susan

What Women Want

[Before I begin my rant, I just want to thank everyone who has been calling me for computer help - my business is growing at a steady (though not explosive) rate, and week after week, amazingly, I've been able to pay the bills. Thank God. I just sit back and see my financial needs being met! Although I am feeling more ignorant about computers daily...]
 

So anyway... The other day, I was attempting to explain to a younger friend about something that ever so slightly annoyed me in an older, married women-friend. I was trying to articulate the alarming wholesale enthusiasm she had for the current trend of mass-produced, artificially-cheerful, girlfriend-sharing, bubblebath, margaritas, chocolate, shoes and shopping-bedecked STUFF. You know what I am talking about, although it's just now reaching the point where it's becoming really noticeable, especially at places like TJ Maxx and the gift / cards section at Borders. I'm talking about the product lines that have descended like a hailstorm upon the market that make quippy little remarks about our EXTREME PASSIONS for things like the aforementioned chocolate, bubblebaths, and shopping. With our girlfriends. 

 

I'm talking about the birthday cards that inevitably feature 3-5 older women, usually from about 20-50 years back, doing something outrageous as a group and "celebrating" their girlfriend-ness. See? Even old ladies from way-back-when had fun with their girlfriends!

I'm talking about the notecards in bright fuchsia and black with a single high-heeled pump or an Audrey Hepburn "Breakfast at Tiffanys" hat that just screams how much the sender/recipient loves fashion, especially Manolo Blah-niks.

 

I'm talking about the Chick Lit that is inevitably bound in hot pink, bright orange, or robins-egg blue. Usually all three.

 

I'm talking about the margarita/martini kits, anything with the I-Live-To-Shop philosophy emblazoned upon it, and the assumption that chocolate is a longed-for source of comfort to all women.

 

I don't personally care about any of this stuff (except occasional chocolate, but not for medicinal purposes), and yet it seems unkind and cruel to mock it to friends; usually because many of them were married too young, never discovered their personal tastes and preferences, and so are gladly latching on to these proffered escapes from their husband-work-kids existences, because they don't have time to develop anything on their own. The free time I take for granted (well, not entirely for granted; I certainly suffer when it's taken away from me!) to read and drive and watch TV and movies and do stuff blissfully alone is denied to so many women.

 

So I don't feel inclined to make fun of it; rather I grieve for the women who find these offerings novel and entertaining... because they don't have the time and freedom to find anything beyond them that their own soul really responds to.
 

If you see yourself in this, try reading The Enchanted April by Elizabeth Von Arnim. It's a cure-all for what ails you. Yes, I know you saw the movie. Yes, it's very good. Read the book anyway.

House Calls

I must say, being swept along with an idea makes life SO much easier - you just let the current take you. Last week I decided I would advertise myself for home computer service, since for me it's much more satisfying and profitable than stuffing envelopes for a temp agency. Since then, I've just proceeded as though it was my full-time job, and it has proven far better an idea than I could have anticipated.
 

For years, whenever anyone asked what I did for a living and I said computers, most responses were "man, I need to get someone in to look at my computer, it's so slow!" or "I need wireless set up" or "I need to be shown how to use such-and-such." So, rather lazily, I decided to start making house calls, and this is the result: 

 

Stay tuned!

State of the Susan

I am an amazingly fortunate and well-loved girl, let me tell you! We Southerners know how to cuddle and care for our own, as I have had amply demonstrated to me in the last 6 days. Granted, I did send about 100 folks on my email list a notice saying I was no longer at WMA with my new email address, so the News of Grief was out there... but so many people have been emailing, calling, and praying that I haven't had too much time to dwell on the difficulties of my situation. I haven't been this socially active, for, like, EVER. Almost daily there's been an invitation to lunch, or a horrified friend wanting details over dinner & a movie, etc. It's nice to have people outraged on your behalf!
 

Other developments: I have been dismayed to discover how filthy and cluttered my apartment is by the light of day. This is a strong indication of how lazy yet overworked I've been in the last year, as dusting has become an activity only attempted when guests were imminent, and spiders and roly-poly bugs have had free range of the areas behind furniture. Plus I have been forced to add even more to the clutter by bringing in the boxes of junk from my office. I have nowhere to put this stuff, let alone the gracefully placed stacks of books, boxes, etc. already scattered throughout my apartment. 742 square feet is JUST NOT ENOUGH. I need another room.

 

But that doesn't allay the underlying problem--that I no longer have any excuse whatsoever not to clean up the place. I think we have fully established that I have enough time now. I must root out the Packrat Within, and start hauling out unnecessary detritus to Goodwill and Amvets. But I don't wanna...!

 

Spirits are high, as I dearly love to talk about myself and how I'm doing, and this week has been one non-stop Me Me Me Me session. But I am beginning to get tired of Me, so I will be glad when all of the main people are fully apprised and I can start trying to figure out What To Do Next. I am hoping for a quick, clear and inescapable notification from God as to what my future plans are to be. Yeah, right.

Starting Something New

Yesterday I was let go from my job at William Morris Agency, after 8.5 years. The basic reason was that I was no longer a good fit for the job (which has expanded a great deal over the years), but I was appreciated for all my years of service with the Nashville office. I was a little teary-eyed, but managed to maintain my composure until I was out of the office. The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent in a not-unpleasant state of shock, as I enumerated to friends and family how nice it would be to have free time for several weeks, and maybe try something new, and how nice to be able to sleep late on Monday! A couple of friends came over to commiserate with me, we went out and had a fun dinner, and I got to bed early.
 

I woke up in a considerably different state of mind. As the day as progressed, the shock has been wearing off, and the pain and grief has been setting in. When you're single, I really think that your job is something akin to a spouse. Carrying the analogy a bit further, losing your job can be like being divorced or widowed. The tears have been flowing off and on, and the vast, yawning gulf of "what do I do now?" is before me. I think that perhaps I'm meant to do something else now instead of computer support, but what that might be is unknown to me. I like my stable existence, and am happiest when I have a routine to follow. But now I feel adrift, abandoned, with no solid ground in sight.

 

This might be one of those life-changing seasons I go through periodically, where God (who loves me too well to leave me as I am) starts making changes on my behalf. I can recognize the ultimate advantages and rewards, but it's pretty painful during the process. I feel a little panicky about what Monday will be like, without my routine to cling to; common sense and my Dad say I should start the job search immediately that morning. Part of me rebels at the idea, because I would like to have at least one whole month without working, just to see what it's like. But I also know that I don't do terribly well when I'm idle and have nothing but ME time. Yeah, I need it, but not for days on end!

 

I am fortunate that I am well-enough provided for that I don't have to snatch the first job that comes along; but I think I will feel much better if I can find something suitable and get settled in. In the meantime, I am available for some computer consulting and whatever part-time jobs that might come along.

Handiwork

I am currently engaged in a wholly engrossing activity of truly nerdish/geeky proportions; I have become a chronic embroiderer. My favorite activity most nights is to come home and watch Simpsons episodes while I do needlework. I am keenly aware that this is the most appallingly boring activity most hip young thirty-somethings could ever imagine. But there are several compelling reasons why I feel the need to sew.
 

[BTW, did you know that the word "suzan" in Farsi means "needle"? See?!]

• One, because it keeps me from being an irredeemable couch potato. As long as I am Productive, I don't feel like my evenings in front of the TV are a complete waste.
• Two, because it keeps me from eating from boredom - it is impossible to eat and sew simultaneously.
• Three, because it impresses the hell out of almost everyone. A well-executed sampler or project as a gift will pretty much make every other gift look tawdry, cheap, and ill-considered. "See? I love you more than everyone else!"
• Four, because it is beautiful.
• Five, because it is real.

Four and Five deserve some elaboration... some "embroidery," if you will. All day long at my IT job I manipulate bits of nothingness - I produce NOTHING except documents that more often than not never even get printed - ghosts of words that are read by someone in an email and then deleted, never to be made tangible. Needlework is the one inescapably real thing I do outside the office that actually displays talent and skill beyond my ability to hook up a user laptop on a DSL wireless network and connect via VPN to the office network, or add a show venue address to an enormous database.

 

It used to be that most of the things produced with needle and thread were useful in some way - you made clothing or upholstery or bed linens yourself. But now there's no need - it can be done more cheaply and quickly by machines in factories, or by women at home on sewing machines. Almost the only hand-sewing done now is for art's sake - quilts, cross-stitch, needlepoint. And when you use real linen, and cotton or sometimes silk thread, there is a tangible, beautiful product completed after many hours. It takes focus and it takes patience. Except for little projects, most needlework projects take weeks or months.

 

It's sometimes my only grasp on what is real, what matters, what is meaningful - with a TiVo, iPod, and Blackberry, I can literally spend HOURS on intangibles that have little value or benefit (unless it be to inspire or educate... but for me, usually it's just for entertainment). I come home after herding invisible bits and bytes around an unseen network all day, and I pick up a piece of fine linen with threads of scarlet and purple, and I am making something far more enduring than the report on client earnings I generated that morning, or the software installed that afternoon.

 

And of course, like I said - it impresses the hell out of everyone.

Bunny

It has always been slightly distressing to me that despite my vibrant, sparkling personality, I have never acquired a nickname. I have always been rigidly, unyieldingly "Susan". There has been the occasional "Sooze," "Suze," and "Suzie-Q" but never with any consistency to be considered official. Not even my nieces and nephews have come up with an informal nickname, unless you consider their first attempts at saying my name, which tended to lean towards "Shzughjen" - apparently my name falls into the category of Difficult Consonants for Children Learning to Speak. My friend Rachel has been nicknamed "Kitten," which is so wonderfully inappropriate that it is FABULOUS. It's perfect for her persona in it's ironic, Ann-Margret-in-an-Elvis-movie cuteness.
 

So this has been a topic of conversation several times in recent weeks, by some coincidence. I was just sitting here, and glanced as I often do, at my Bunny calendar, with it's oh-so-cute pictures, and went "Bingo!"

I am a sucker for little, cute, fluffy bunnies, puppies and kittens. I am apt to squeal when seeing them. Really. All adult sensibilities drain out of my body upon sighting such Cuteness. This, despite my fondness for macabre, black comedy. I turn into a 5 year old chasing a baby chick on Easter. Perhaps this tendency has continued into adulthood because my fondness for Cute Things was never accommodated as a child. I have some Hello Kitty items of recent purchase, carefully selected to appear kitschy and ironic when noticed by others… but really, I like them because they're adorable.

 

I don't particularly admire cuteness in human beings, but this weakness for baby animals… what can I say, it's chronic. So, I henceforth wish to be known as "Bunny". It will take a while to get this ingrained in my circle of friends, I admit - but I will strive to make it happen, even though I am an aged 36 (29) and such habits are hard to pick up as an adult. But if I am expected to make a habit of going to the gym, then I think this is certainly MUCH easier to instill.

My New Office

The Dreaded Office Move is over, more or less... I am in my new office, and the worst of it seems to have passed. The fact that I can actually snatch a few moments to plug this in is evidence of it, even though there are a half-dozen things I should be doing. Anyway, I have a little photo essay on my Photos page of my new working environment; it's very classy, stylish, etc... yet I keep thinking "Yes, well, this is all very nice. [pause] So when are we going back to our real office?" I did go back this afternoon to get some odds and ends, and it was just so grimy and battered-looking, I was quite scornful. Which is sad, because I was happy there, and at the time thought it quite well-appointed. I am mean-spirited and shallow - that's all there is to it...
 

I am located in the most well-hidden spot in the office - you have to go through 2 rooms to get to my office door. I am tempted to hang a sign over the door such as:

• Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here
• Ship's Doctor
• Center of the Onion
• The Burrow

None of which are particularly clever or apt, but I am reeeeealy tired. Perhaps someone has a suggestion or two?

How Susan Dropped Off The Face of the Planet

So Leslie Crowder calls me up in the midst of a typically busy day at work, which pretty much stops me cold since I’ve talked to her exactly twice since high school… and wants to know if I’m ok, since my website has disappeared. Having been talked by The Naud into switching my web hosting to godaddy.com which is Good and Cheap, [two points of the Triangle of Construction Desireability, for those not in the know… if you are having work done on your house or building from scratch, you can only have 2 of the following 3 things: Quality, Cheapness, and Speed. If you want it Cheap & Fast, you sacrifice Quality. If you want it Good & Fast, you will Pay Through the Nose, and so on] I neglected to change the nameservers until my Earthlink hosting had completely run out. Do I understand any of this? Not really; I have to go through the whole website hosting re-education process every other year or so for various websites, and it never seems to stick.
 

So Leslie had just wondered if I was still alive or massively depressed, and I was able to reassure her that I was not Dead or Depressed. As the only person who had caught this Loss of Site, I promised her a shout-out in the form of a new entry, and I promised to say that it too would be an entry Forced at Gunpoint. [Sorry about the excessive capitalizations – I’m in an 18th century/AA Milne phase this evening and it just has such a distinctive tone, don’t you think? It’s amusingly ironic as well as helping to emphasize points without underlining or italicizing.]

 

So... I've been processing this idea for a while here: Sometimes I feel like I live in an alternate universe - that I'm in the "what if" existence of some George Bailey, and by his absence, I am living in caution, tepidness (tepidity?) and selfishness, only living half the life I might be living in another, more complete universe. I wonder if I'm a Mary Bailey, living a dowdy and lonely life as a pitiful librarian with no husband and kids because MY George was never born. Not that I feel in any way pitiful - I would say that I generally enjoy my life - but perhaps it could be so much more than it is, and far more satisfying. Anyway, that's all I have on this idea now - read the novels of Jasper Fforde for a far more entertaining articulation.

 

My office is moving on April 1st - we're scooting over to Roundabout Plaza, the new building right next to the statue "Musica" - a heroically-sized, copper-green statue of the nine muses. Classically Nude. Quite the eye opener! I sometimes just start laughing when I catch it out of the corner of my eye. Not that I have any problem with nude statuary or that I think it's in any way inappropriate; but it just feels so out of place in a city like Nashville. We're not exactly known for our historical art & architecture, beyond the Parthenon. Come to think of it, Musica would be far more appropriately placed in Centennial Park. But it's visible from our new office-to-be, and so I will have to grow accustomed to nekkid men & women every time I pass a window.

 

So, I will be dropping back off the face of the planet again for a couple of months while I deal with the massive effort this will require - so much stuff to move -- 8 years of accumulated computer detritus in my office to sort & throw out. Hopefully I'll be back on earth in late April.

Pretensions of Dining

OK, I was at J. Alexander's for lunch the other day, and a more confused confluence of fine dining and fern-bar excess has rarely been seen. Not that I did not enjoy my lunch, or the atmosphere, or the service. But they seem to be suffering from some confusion as to what their niche is in the Nashville dining world.
 

Hostesses in black, wait staff in white shirts with black ties, white cloth napkins. Dim lighting, dark lacquered wood finishes, a visible wine cellar with rows of bottles. The large, heavy cardstock 1-page menu had the entire back devoted to the wine selection. Oh, ok, it's leaning towards Sunset Grill-quality Fine dining.

 

Then I examine the menu. Typical selections, until I spot this: Mr. Jack's Chicken Fingers Dinner. The description starts something like this:

 

Made with Mr. Jack's famous South Carolina low-country recipe...

OK, folks - we are talking CHICKEN FINGERS here. Strips of boneless fried chicken, put on all menus to order for finicky children or as comfort food for the adults. They are not regionally famous - I don't go on vacation and think to myself, "Hmmm, I think I'll order a local delicacy... where's the chicken fingers on the menu?" Secondly, they are not state specialties, either. South Carolina is not famous for it's chicken fingers, let alone the LOWER HALF of the state. 

 

I ordered the chicken salad open-face sandwich on foccacia bread. When the plate was finally placed in front of me, its contents rose almost to my chin - a good half-pound of chunky chicken salad, on an 8 x 6 inch slab of foccacia, with another slab of foccacia off to the side with tomatoes, lettuce and a dab of dressing to place atop the heap and squash it into submission. Plus the huge portion of thin-cut french fries, rising majestically from the plate like a golden haystack.

 

This was fern-bar quantity, not the discreetly cautious portions of a fine dining establishment, where everyone working there is slim and café-chic stylish, and the food reflects similar restraint. I could not finish half of it. It was worthy of TGI Fridays... and perhaps, was a last respectful gesture on the part of the JA kitchen staff, since the local TGIF had been closed down recently. Their competitor had died because it had been unable to adapt to the changing diets of a more sophisticated population, and yet J Alexander's acknowledged their kinship, and in sorrowful respect, heaped my plate high.

Obligatory Journal Entry, Forced at Gunpoint

I write this after working 12 days in a row, and I am CRANKY. Not only am I forced to work like a slave, shifting gears every other minute, racing about fixing things, reading enough email to choke a goat, doing endless company website updates... but apparently, I am expected to write journal entries for the amusement of others. Figures. 

So, here is my insight, which has been refined over time though trial and error and much consultation. I am actually 7 years younger that everyone thinks I am.

 

Now, I am not one of those people who is obsessed about appearing younger than my age, nor do I see any reason to lie about my age, or refuse to tell people what it is. I really could care less, and frankly, I'm delighted in the interest. I think it's pretty well established that my goal in life is being paid attention to. And to that end, I was born on December 3rd, 1968. You can find my birthday wishlist at amazon.com. 

So, when I say I am 28, it isn't vanity. It's REAL years. I noticed several years ago that although I was the same age as several of my co-workers, I felt much younger and more inexperienced. Why? Well, for one, they had more real life experience of the most obvious kind: they were married with children. Now, I've observed enough, read enough, been told enough, that being married is difficult - requires sacrifice, compromise, etc. Then, having kids requires more of the same, in addition to loss of sleep. So after a while I realized that my peers really were much older than I was, in a very practical sense. 

But how much older? I was fortunate enough to pick some numbers which have been confirmed by the approbation of several of these "married with children" individuals, so I see no reason to question the validity of my random choice:

Married: add 3 years
Children: add 4 years 

So, I told married friends to tack on 3 years to their age. That's your actual maturity. If there were children, I told them to tack on 7. Now, this was not popular with many of them, since their vanity did not enjoy this additional imposed aging. But I remained firm, and despite the blow to their vanity, none truly contested my theory. 

Time passed, and I reached my thirtieth birthday, and promptly sank into deep depression. It wasn't that I was getting older; it was that I was at a major threshold, and anything that points out to me that I am actually living in a real world and not an imaginary fairyland where my car never breaks down and Mr. Right is scheduled to appear at the precise moment I am my most charming, lovely, and unselfconscious so that he might fall madly in love with me, tends to frighten me rather badly. I had much the same reaction at ages 10 and 20. 

This deep depression prompted much self-analysis, and I realized a significant flaw in my REAL years calculations: That at thirty, I was supposed to be married with children, but I wasn't. By thirty, the wedding is supposed to be long past, and at least one child produced. Yet I had done none of this, while the MAJORITY of my friends had. So, instead of the Smug Marrieds being 7 years older than I, in reality, I was 7 years younger than them! They were right on schedule - I was not. Upon explaining this difference to several of my test subjects, I was much cheered by their unanimous agreement with my New and Improved Theory. 

So, as a 28 year old, going on my 29th birthday, what does this say? Not a great deal. It's just a clever way of processing a major difference between Singletons and Smug Marrieds, it is a fail-proof conversation starter, and it makes me seem smart and funny which to a single woman is almost as good as looking thin and beautiful. Years from now, as my married sisters enter their 13th and their 17th year of getting up before 9am on a Saturday to feed their families breakfast, while I sleep in past 10 with the help of a couple of Benadryl after a night out with my friends, it will surely be a comfort to them (as they wearily wonder if they will ever get to sleep more than 7 hours ever again on this earth,) that I am an immature baby in comparison to their rich and full lives. 

I live to validate other people. It's just one of the ways I serve.

[Are you happy now, Mike in MI?]

Visualizing Time

As a former History major, I tend to look at things from a... historical perspective, I suppose. That's probably common and obvious. But recently I realized that I look at history, at months and years and centuries, from a VISUAL perspective. For me, time goes in different directions, turns corners, runs perpendicular or parallel (depending on the century) and in the course of a year, goes in a circle.

 

Why do I envision time at different geometric points? Probably due to subconscious memories of elementary school bulletin board displays, or textbook timeline charts. Some "chunks" of time are set apart with a greater focus on individual years, while others are a long line with nothing to distinguish them.

 

This is going to take some drawing, and I'm a lousy artist. Bear with me. I also don't want to mark specific events on the line, as it will become an exercise in "looking things up" that I remember imperfectly.

 

The B.C. years emerge from a misty patch to my right - they go back endlessly past some invisible horizon, but from about the time of Moses is when I can see the beginning of the line. They go in a straight line to the left, until 60 BC, when they break left and go straight down until the BC/AD turnover, where they resume their journey to the left. Upon reaching AD 30-ish, the line turns right and goes straight up through 300 AD, when it breaks left again and continues on in an unbroken line until the Renaissance.

In the year 1400, time begins to fold back and forth upon itself; still continuing from right to left, but starting in the year 01, going straight up to the year 00, and then turning left and skipping back to the starting point of 01, to repeat the upward journey until the year 1800.

In 1800 time takes the left turn, but instead of skipping back down to the 01 starting point, it takes a hairpin turn and time starts running the other direction, from top to bottom. At 1900, time turns right, and skips back up to the "top of the page" and starts running downwards. Only now the line becomes thicker, and as you follow it along, the individual years stand out, and each one has an actual visual significance. It's like zooming in on a DNA strand, and starting to see the details of each individual dot. You realize that each year within the line is actually an oval, which loops from top left down until June-July, and then loops back up on the right to make the oval. Look closer, and each month is, of course, a calendar page, a square grid strung one after the other like beads on a necklace.

Upon reaching 2000, the line becomes less certain - you can't quite figure out which direction it is going, or plans to go. Currently, it is still continuing on from right to left, but it has made no turns - it is the same unbent line since 1900. I suppose that because this is the part of the line that I am personally living in, I can't make it bend any direction other than the inevitable drive to the West/Left. Give me a few more years and maybe I will be able to see if it will bend.

 

I suppose psychological gender studies that look into this sort of thing might make much of the fact that individual years are circular (feminine), while the direction of centuries is in straight lines (masculine). Maybe because women instinctively count the months for their menstrual cycle, or the cycle of yearly rebirth and death is more apparent to women; and the straight lines of history are more about time as visualized by the men who made most of it. I have a healthy curiosity of gender differences, but ultimately all I can say is that my visualization of time has been the slow development of education, books, culture and my perception of the years I have actually inhabited time.

 

Now... it's your turn! How do you see time? I'd love to hear about it.

Happy Holidays!

I didn't write a Christmas letter this year, which troubles me. I always wrote it to get attention; either by my literary skill, humor, or novelty. To remind guys that I had a slight crush on of my existence; to assuage my guilt at having neglected other friends throughout the year. This year I was just too busy at work and by the time I realized that it was time to send cards, it was too late to do a letter. I did design a Christmas Card and send it out; I attach it here for anyone whom I didn't send it to. (I cut down my list this year to 100 people; it's costing me around $125 to do cards and postage!) Heck, here's the one for 2002 as well - much more wordy!
 

My friend John Folsom is a gifted artist, and I've been doing his website for about a year now. His stuff is wonderfully atmospheric and subtle. He sent his Christmas Card just today, and you really ought to go see his work on his website.

You Shouldn't Have

There is a party this week for a girlfriend of mine who just got married. I cannot attend due to a previous engagement, so I brought her gift to the office for someone to take in my place. And I realized, as I waited for the elevator to arrive, that I really hoped that I wouldn't see this friend before I could unload the gift. Because I knew what she would say: "Oh, you shouldn't have!" And you know what? That phrase sickens me. 

Think about it - you've gone to the trouble of picking out a gift; you've taken the time and money to put something together, only to hear the recipient say "you shouldn't have?!" What that really is, is someone protesting that you have made a MISTAKE in getting them a gift, and that on some subconscious level they don't want to be burdened by it; either because:

1) they feel like they don't deserve the loving gesture of a gift
2) they feel guilty that they didn't get anything for you, and resent feeling guilty
3) they feel like they have to pretend they didn't want anything from you for fear of appearing greedy
4) they really don't care for what you've chosen

Passing years have brought clarity to a great many things in my life, and I finally realized why I always hated to hear someone say I shouldn't have gotten them a gift. It takes a great deal of my enjoyment out of giving the gift in the first place, because it implies that I have made a mistake, and I hate making mistakes. Oh, they always say it in a cheerful tone, or with a rueful smile, but as one of my acting teachers observed over and over, "Many a truth is spoken in jest." 

I wonder how many other people get that sinking feeling when they hear this phrase. Now that I've finally recognized how this makes me feel, I'm inclined to start saying in response, "well then, I'll take it back!" I used to LIVE for the chance to see people open presents I'd given them, but the response is often so disappointing. To their credit, I think most people feel like "you shouldn't have" is a self-deprecating expression. But all it does for me is make me feel somewhat rejected. 

So I have some suggestions for a more appropriate response to gifts:

1) If you find yourself saying "You shouldn't have…," immediately follow it up with "…but I'm so glad you did!" That will soften the blow.
2) Come right out with a full-blown "Oh my gosh, you are so sweet/amazing/ thoughtful/inventive/wonderful" instead. Because they are, and your immediate happy response is better than any thank-you note (which you STILL have to send, people!)
3) Be honest. Say "I LOVE presents!" because, really, who doesn't love presents? (excepting one of my friends who feels she doesn't deserve them, and whom I have to trick into accepting them...)
4) If you absolutely hate a gift or don't need it, and know immediately that you want to exchange it, try this: "Oh my gosh, this is perfect! WHEREVER DID YOU FIND THIS?" The information will be happily and enthusiastically given.

Honesty is always the best policy, but take the next step and think about the feelings of the gift-giver and the time, love and money they have expended on your behalf.

Bollywood Ballyhoo

I have found my quality programming. It's called Bollywood Cinema - films made in India. Well, actually, I don't know that I would call all of it "quality", but it is highly addictive. Its complete lack of reality soothes me as nothing else can at present. I wish I could distill it down to a simple description. Some of the more obvious tendencies:

 

1) they're LONG - averaging 3+ hours each.
2) no matter what the genre, they seem to all contain song and dance
3) no kissing, but lots of hugs and nuzzling each others' faces in the romantic bits
4) vibrant color - especially the women's saris. I want to go to India just to buy fabric...
5) lots of tear-filled eyes, men and women alike. The men cry as easily and unashamedly as women.
6) the rich are SUPER rich, and the middle-class are rich, and the poor have enough to get by in moderate comfort. I have yet to see any slums
7) locations in various European countries, rarely related to the plot. I think the more unbelievable remote locations must indicate a dream state (I doubt the hero and heroine would fly for an afternoon to trapise about Mykonos in a dizzying array of outfits...)
8) lots of melodrama; lovers torn apart by parental disapproval, mostly.

 

There are laughable elements - one film has a SUPER rich family living in a French Chateau that I KNOW I've seen in pictures from the French countryside... but they pretend it is in India. Mothers and fathers love their children so much they weep frequently over their joys and sorrows. Sons and daughters may resist arranged marriages, but usually go through with them out of love and respect. If a couple starts dating on their own, they might have to deal with some seriously furious parents. Did I mention no on-the-lips kissing? That's a serious line that I have yet to see crossed - that of respect to one's elders and lack of romantic contact.

 

My description insults, though, by making so many generalities. I wish I could describe how moving these films can be, even to a Western viewer unaccustomed to such Victorian conventions... so Victorian that Louisa May Alcott would be writing screenplays for the Indian cinema had film existed 125 years ago. It takes about 10-15 minutes to get absorbed, but once you've accepted the conventions of the genre as well as its limitations (humor tends toward the slapstick, plot towards soap opera) it can be wholly absorbing.

 

I think I've finally figured out why these films fascinate me. Firstly, because of the sheer novelty. There's so much visual beauty in these movies; in locations, the actors, the clothing... you rarely get that in contemporary film, except for Baz Luhrman's work. Secondly, the unashamed emotion. Joy and sorrow are so strong in these movies, and perhaps it's not terribly subtle, but it really affects you.

Thirdly, and most importantly, these films move me because they're like my childhood daydreams. I was a serious daydreamer as a child, usually because I was miserable and disappointed and felt rejected. I had my own mental music videos even before MTV came along, and the similarities to Bollywood's song and dance are strong. Life is so often colorless, ugly, and disappointing, and we get so used to dull routine with so few things that really DELIGHT us... Bollywood actually addresses the human longing for adventure, beauty, love and heartfelt emotion: the key elements of fairy tales.

 

Plus there's some really cute guys in them who dance really well and don't act remotely gay. Although they need to stop featuring Hrithik Roshan's biceps in an array of sleeveless tops...

Something Clever

I need to write something clever. I desperately need reassurance that I am actually a talented and gifted individual with a knack for writing smart and witty pensees. Yet I lack ideas. No blinding insights of late; no incidents that made me say "dang, I need to write that down!" Nothing that the Sedaris siblings would applaud. 

I did just spend a week on vacation, and it was marked by an utter lack of any productivity. The most I did was to buy a lampshade and fabric to cover it that matches my boudoir. Not that I actually followed through with it - it's still sitting in bags on the table at home. I took an afternoon nap most days, went to the pool a couple of times with the nephews, bought some clothes. Ate a lot of junk, mostly sugary and fried. Towards the end I was getting a bit bored with it - I've learned by now that you have to do SOME work even in the midst of idleness or otherwise it goes sour and you can't enjoy your leisure. So I did go to the gym 4 times, and worked on some computer problems at an organization I help sometimes. 

Now, in my third day back at work, I want to go home and take a nap. Granted, I would like to take a nap most afternoons, but the impulse is particularly strong today, despite the fact that I didn't even have any beers at lunch as I did on Monday and Tuesday. If I were to curl up on the mini-sofa in my office, I would definitely doze off in a minute or less. Yes, I wanna drive on home listening to more of Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix on tape, then fall asleep and doze for a couple of hours, and wake up to a really stellar TV lineup of all my fave shows. 

Maybe that's my problem - lack of quality programming. All of my favorite shows except for The Amazing Race are on hiatus, and many are not even in reruns. I can't wait to get home at night, but then I sit in front of the TiVo for hours until bedtime, and fall asleep feeling unsatisfied and disappointed. I've actually started to just turn off the TV at 9 or 9:30, which is usually an indicator that for a Loner, Life has become Sad and Dreary without the presence of an unacknowledged lover/a small cute child/a dog that has wrecked their apartment but brought a Light into their Existence, Heretofore Unknown. And now that the Light has departed for Parts Yonder, the Loner wonders how they ever lived without that lover/child/dog before. 

Well, considering that there hasn't BEEN a lover/child/dog anywhere near me for...ever, I'm afraid I must chalk my strange restlessness up to a lack of quality programming. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and invest in digital cable, so I can get BBC America and branch into British TV. I do need something to keep me from just eating incessantly in the evenings, and reading doesn't do it for me anymore.